People, try to remain calm. This is horrifying news and we don’t know how you’ll take it – Vin Diesel is famous again.

We know, we know. It’s distressing, isn’t it? And it’s all the fault of Fast And Furious – the fourth film in a never-good franchise that’s inexplicably topped the weekend box office in borderline spectacular fashion.

But it’s OK. Fast And Furious might be number one at the weekend box office, and Vin Diesel might be famous again, but at least Michelle Rodriguez still isn’t the biggest female star in America right now. What? She IS? We’re DOOMED!

American moviegoers, we have a lot to thank you for today. You’ve made Fast And Furious – the third The Fast And The Furious sequel that reunites Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez and that other bloke – the US weekend box office number one.

Why are we so thankful? Because now that Fast And Furious has become such a success, it’s inevitable that there’ll be a sequel. And, after The Fast And The Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift and Fast And Furious, it’s fairly inevitable that the next sequel will be called Quite Fast And Somewhat Furious. And we’ve waited so long to see that film get made. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 – Fast And Furious (See? If you want to reinvigorate a dying franchise, forget about numbering them and just remove the definitive article from the title. It’s why Fast And Furious is a success and the sequel to the first Narnia film wasn’t. If only Hollywood had chosen to scrap Prince Caspian and retitle it Chronicles Of Narnia: Lion, Witch Wardrobe, it would have been a smash hit. Trust us) $72,508,000

2 – Monsters Vs Aliens (Apparently the monsters win. Next) $33,510,000

3 – The Haunting In Connecticut (Sadly not the first part of an epic Sufjan Stevens-style mission to remake the Catherine Zeta Jones movie The Haunting in every single American state. A shame, since The Haunting In Delaware would be something we’d genuinely pay to see) $9,550,000

4 - Knowing (Does Nicolas Cage punch a woman in the face while dressed up like a big bear in Knowing? No. Does that mean we’re not going to watch it? Yes.) $8,130,000

5 – I Love You, Man (Did we make the gay porn joke last week? We did? Oh, in that case we’ve got nothing) $7,850,000

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