Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.
Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…
Recently back on the acting circuit having forced some babies out, Lopez has dazzled with her looks for years. Her face is nice, she’s got hair even silkier than a silk worm’s pocket, and she started the taut-stomach-gargantuan-arse trend that has swept the planet. Good for her. She must be married to a male model or George Clooney or something, right? Actually no, you’re way off. Totally ignoring convention, Jennifer Lopez chose to avoid humans altogether, and instead married a talented singing rat, sweetly known as Marc Anthony – not to be confused with the Ancient Roman statesman, who, by the way, was probably quite hot.
Hey, that Julia Roberts is one heck of a gal. Anyone who saw her playing the slutty young prostitute who’d do absolutely anything but kiss on the lips probably found out to their detriment that prostitutes do not look like Julia Roberts. And plenty of them do actually kiss on the mouth. Serious Pretty Woman plot-holes aside, in real life, Roberts spent the mid-90s married to a crack-whore-alike called Lyle Lovett. One of the few living humans who would actually come out better in a cartoon caricature, Lovett only managed two years with the actress, before she cited “career demands” as her made-up reason for wanting a divorce.
Some of the notes that Christina Aguilera can hit are fantastic, we especially like it when she’s really working an E sharp, and her lips start quivering while she sings. It was a technique first introduced by Whitney Houston in the 1980s. Unfortunately, the Whitney comparisons end right there, because while Houston snared a hottie like Bobby Brown, Aguilera has veered disturbingly off piste, and is now married to? a mole-faced teenager called Jordan Bratman. At first sight, the celebrity world bit their collective lips, nodded politely and attempted to smile, but when Christina mentioned that the pair like to spend their Sundays naked, small chunks of sick were universally coughed out.
Natalie Portman is a wonderful looking girl, and aspirational – after all, girls, she’s both beautiful, business savvy, and she went to a polytechnic. That’s one hell of a chick. Plus in Closer, which was an appalling film, she buoyed everyone’s spirits by slipping on a pink hair piece and wiggling her bottom. Like these other girls, she should obviously be going out with a real hunk. And yet, she once enjoyed many sweaty evening dripping hot candle wax onto Devendra Banhart‘s hungry wolf-like thighs. For those who haven’t a clue who Devendra is, he’s Siavash‘s hairier counterpart.
If it’s true that it’s who you are on the inside that counts, Lily Allen might actually be slightly punching above her weight with her doughy faced boyfriends. But, as it, is, this list is judged on outward beauty alone, which, in this case, makes Lily Allen really quite good looking. Hence, you’d expect her to be dating an equally good looking pillock, like that Kris guy who was on Big Brother, or someone wearing tight jeans pretending to be on heroin. But no, her type appears to be middle-aged chubsters who could probably do a decent impersonation of the fat man taking a cannon ball in the belly. Like the one from the Chemical Brothers, for example.
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