Vitamins are very important, especially for growing children. But, do you know what’s even more important than iron and protein supplements? Pro wrestling.
I know that it seems ludicrous, and my God it is, but pro wrestling does more to promote health than any vitamin. It was absolutely necessary in the creation of the man I know me to be today. And I rule. Here are seven reasons why fake TV wrestling is better than taking your vitamins.
1. Vitamins Don’t Give You Awesome Entrance Music
“If you smell (dun, dun, dun) what the Rock…is cooking…” Imagine that blaring every time you walked down a crowded hallway. Or, imagine the sound of glass shattering as you pour a beer mostly over your face and some into your mouth. Or, think about “Cult of Personality” looping as you sneer your way to your cubicle. You might have taken your one-a-day, but unless you’re carrying around speakers and the album “World’s Most Badass Music: Volume All Of Them” you’re not gonna have theme music. You may have elevator music, or that one Kelly Clarkson song playing too loudly as you walk through the mall, if you’re lucky, but you only get actual, recognizable, personable theme music if you indulge yourself with pro wrestling.
2. Vitamins Can’t Help You Strut Your Way To The Ring
There are only two things that can help you dance better in this world: pro wrestling and bandz. You want to look cool while you strut to your destination, stopping to pose and give high fives as you go, right? Is there a vitamin called Monday Night Raw yet? Didn’t think so.
3. Vitamins Don’t Provide Hulkamania
Have you ever gotten the feeling that you needed to flex in front of thousands? Or that an audience wasn’t screaming your name loud enough so you needed to cup your ear to coax them? Or that you needed to rip off your red and yellow shirt in a fashion so that everyone can see you do it?
If you said yes to any of those questions, then you know the feeling of Hulkamania, an intangible, powerful force, like a wizard’s spell, or Barack Obama. Vitamins don’t do anything to raise your daily, necessary dosage of Hulkamania, brother. Not anything at all. You can get the biggest, strongest muscles in the world, but your leg drop is only going to be average unless you have Hulkamania on your side. And only pro wrestling teaches you the ways of Hulkamania. There’s not a text book on earth that can guide you on how to slam Andre the Giant, but with Hulkamania, brother dude, you can slam the world, Jack.
4. Vitamins Don’t Help You Hype Pay-per-view events
A good helping of vitamins can help you time poops better, but Wrestlemania? Sure, take your fish oils, but if you expect them to improve your promoting skills, berating an audiences while also getting them excited to spend fifty dollars to watch dudes trying not to give each other concussions, you’re wrong.
5. Vitamins Won’t Make You Part Of A Tag Team
Do you have a friend? You’re on the internet, so no. However, can you imagine what it’s like to have a friend? Okay, imagine someone, anyone, cares about you. And they care enough about you to share Flinstones Chewables with you. Now, imagine getting a better friend, because that first friend sucks. This new friends wants to dress up in matching tights and beat up other pairs of friends until someone hands you two a gold belt. After some hesitation, you say yes, because violence, while dressed up in spiked shoulder pads, solves all things.
6. Vitamins Can’t Prepare You For Taking Chairs To The Head
90% of all things furniture are chairs (I’m including couches in this too, because couches were invented when a man decided that his chair was too uncomfortable to fuck on.) At some point in your life, another person is going to be angry enough to swing a chair at your skull. Don’t let that scare you. The streets are rough, but we all gotta face ‘em.
Let me tell you a bit about a man named Mick Foley. Mick Foley is the equivalent of a shaman when it comes to taking chair shots to the head. Mick Foley spends so much of his time having aluminum folds smashed against his forehead that he now considers it sitting down. Scientists have kept a record of what Mick Foley’s skull looks like, not for medical purposes, but just in case the National Archives ever forget what ramen noodles look like if you pour them into a deflated soccer ball.
Do you think he got this way because of vitamins? No. This man is a universal, teeth-spitting treasure because he’s a pro wrestler. And you can be one too, as long as you don’t expect vitamins to prepare you for blood pouring out of your scalp.
7. Vitamins Won’t Teach You An Awesome Finisher
Finishers are usually just regular slams done with a slight variation on how you picked the guy up, but their effects are earth shattering in their power. Have you ever Tombstone Piledriven someone for a three count after getting 40% of your potassium in pill form? No. No one has. But with pro wrestling, it’s not only possible, it’s inevitable.