We’ve been playing it coy and cool for the last few weeks because we’ve been sitting on a story so big that we assumed it must be a massive, outrageous lie. We still can’t quite believe what we’re about to announce.
The crux of the matter is that we’ve known the person behind the helmet of Top Gear’s new Stig. The BBC have threatened us with legal action should we reveal the identity of the new driver, but as Ben Whateverhemightbecalled proved, the BBC cannot suppress this information.
Of course, like Santa Claus or Jesus Christ Our Lord, it’s more fun to believe in the myth rather than find out the boring truth. As such, we’ll give no information until you get over the jump. If you want to find out who the new Stig is, please read more.
The announcing of a new Stig is timed with the departure of a infamous media node within these very walls and we can exclusively reveal that the new ‘mystery driver’ on the show will be our soon to depart editor, Stuart Heritage.
As you can see from this leaked mobile phone photo, the moment when Heritage met Richard Hammond for the first time is captured for all to see.
Stuart will be departing Hecklerspray at the end of the week, with the customary parting gift of a P45 and a £10 voucher for the now defunct Andy’s Records.
We wish him all the best in his new role and we hope that this revelation will not see him fired from Top Gear like that last guy who got fired.
Stuart said:
“I’ve loved writing for Hecklerspray all these years. Five, long, gruelling, miserable years. I really have. Remember that story about Alan Davies biting a tramp? Salad days bruv. Salad days. However, when the Beeb came knocking on the door, having seen my punditry work on Sky News, they told me I was the perfect stature to sit in a car and drive it at death-inducing speeds. How could I say no?”
He added:
“The said that my face was perfect for the role of The Stig and they couldn’t wait to stick a racing helmet on my head. They were so eager and excited that until I placed the infamous mask on, the producers of the show spent their time pointing at my head whilst dry-heaving.”
Let us just hope that the producers of the programme don’t discover that Stuart is currently only in possession of a provisional driving license which already has three points on it after he careless mowed down a cyclist by the name of Mr. B. Johnson.
Here’s a clip of our Stu’s first car test, due to be shown on the first episode of the new Top Gear series, due in the autumn of 2011.
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That’s great that the Top Gear fellas have looked past those minor, alcohol-related fender-benders, and the drugs, and occassional ‘which is the clutch, again?’ moment. Perhaps a life outside of Hecklerspray towers will do Stu some good. A little therapy, and maybe he can even work past being an “MJ hater y u gotta be like that u sux!!!!”.
Before Stu drives off into the sunset, somebody needs to put together a Heritage Top Ten Quotes. Like, “possessed by a retarded ghost”, or, erm… Heritage Top Three, then.