With summer officially over and everything associated with it slowly fading from memory, it's only right that before we set our sights forward to the future, we take a quick look back and pay our respects to everything that was destroyed in the wake of ?The Summer of Call Me Maybe.?
Grammatical rules desecrated. Mediocrity celebrated. Brain cells lost forever. Carly Rae Jepsen might not have known the evil she would unleash on the world in the name of a quick sniff of fame, but we will all remember– we will never forget.
We will never forget because how can you forget? How can you forget all the nights ruined at the bar when you swore your ears would start bleeding from the shrieking of sorority girls to show their delight when the initial riff came over the speaker.
How could you forget that said sorostitutes would sing, no, scream word-for-word one of the most mind-numbing pieces of bubble gum pop that has been released in years.
How can you forget the douche-loaf guys who also knew the words, and somehow had a choreographed dance that they?d whip out to further incite the raucous crowd of females you were currently envisioning punching in the face, one-by-one, as you tried to make your way off the dance floor-made trampoline.
Or was that just me?
Even if you didn't have the pleasure of living through such an ordeal once, or many times per night (aside: juke boxes are the devil,) that was just the tip of the iceberg. The sharp, ragged tip that took my titanic faith in mankind when I saw that this is the kind of shit that A. Makes money, B. Gets guys laid.
Jepsen should have know better. She's 26 years old (seriously) and had dreams of being an actual artist. Taking on this teeny bop song really only has one path, and that's a direct ticket to one-hit-wonder town. I think she and Chumbawamba will be good friends.
Sure, She'll bask in the reflected glow of The Biebs for a cool minute, being that he has taken an interest in her. But he's not responsible for making her a star, and since I believe in karma more than her talent, I'll go through the reasons why she deserves at least as much time in radio silence as the song got play because it really was. That. Bad.
Evil #1: The lyrics
Ambiguity is bullshit. What is even up with this ?Call Me Maybe? garbage? Either you call or you don't call. It's like being a little bit pregnant. Can't happen.
I get that she's being coy, and as awesome as that is for a girl approaching her 30?s, but it spurred a generation of idiots to quote it for any and all occasions.
Text me maybe? LOL
No, I will not text you. And not just because you wrote ?LOL? when I'm 95 percent sure you're not laughing right now and 99 percent sure you don't even know what it really stands for. I will not text you for the same reason I walked away from a guy wearing some fratty t-shirt with a similar phrase: If I got drunk enough to sleep with you, and by some terrible act of God were impregnated, there would be no way our future child?s IQ would break triple digits. Your taste in music has proven your genes are. that. bad.
Evil #2: The grammar
Do you know what ?call me maybe? really means? It means I am asking you to call me the word/name ?maybe.?
?Call me, maybe?? Now that, my friends, is what I think our good friend Carly was getting at, only she'd gone brain-dead from singing the song so many times she couldn't find a comma to spare even if she had one.
Evil #3: The parodies
I think everyone that has a camera did a parody of this video. Maybe two are funny. Stop. Just, stop.
Evil #4: The glorification of mediocrity
If I really think about it, it's not that I absolutely hate the song. I also don't hate Jepsen. They?d have been as easy to ignore as most of the other garbage going around.
For instance, I've never heard ?Friday? in its entirety. It's because everyone realized it was a joke and it never completely took over the world and shook it of all the sense it might have once had.
But the mediocrity of it all?of the lyrics, the singing, Jepsen herself?it became hard to take when it was glorified as real artists are still serving at dinners and uploading legitimate music to YouTube, waiting for their break.
It just serves as another reminder that substance doesn't matter in this day and age of Generation Me.
Trade your soul for a wish? That seems to work. I guess I'll try that? maybe.
Sam says
“How can you forget the douche-loaf guys who also knew the words, and somehow had a choreographed dance that they
Katy Perry says
Thank you. What I have been saying for the last year! Now I have to get back to helping John Mayer write songs.
Liam Jackson says
So The Key of Awesome’s Parody is one, which is the other one?
Gonzo says
The Sesame Street/Cookie Monster parody (“Share it, Maybe”) is the other one.
Lee says
I’d have to agree with Sam. I’m 55 years old, and I continue to be amazed that I’m NOT sick of that song yet. I think it helped that I saw the Jimmy Fallon/Jepsen/Fallon band with children’s musical instruments version. It showed that Jepsen is a good sport, and she can perform the song anywhere.
Just kill me, maybe? says
Ugh… couldn’t agree more with author on this one… I would rather listen to a recording of an infant’s piercing screams on repeat than subject myself to the mindless crap of CRJ in “Call Me Maybe”. To be clear- I think the girl is adorable, and she seems like a sweetheart….but the music has GOT to go.
Also, Whoever said its the best pop song of the year must not get out much…perhaps a belieber? Awww…how cute…but so sad :(
xoxo
Gord says
This song was the best song too get laid by, everyone shot back some shooters waited for the song and joined in the fun….even if you hated the song the energy coming from all the women was amazing…how can a man hate that..can’t wait for next summer.
Jesus Your Lord says
I agree with Sam and Lee. I’m the savior of mankind. After a long day at work, fisting sheep, I want to slice some pineapples, dip my toes into some prune juice, and recite the lyrics to this song. It helps with the menopause. Boy I do love me some chitlins. Nah not really. Shit smells horrible. Fuck yall niggas.
nordis says
Sounds like the author of this article is bitter! She can write all the crap she wants about this girl, but the facts are, Carly Rae is adorable and she makes a tone of money, and she will continue to make a tone of money. If only Emily Nerland had looks and talent then she wouldn’t have to try to get a paycheck by bashing others. So sad!