Every year it’s the same. We pace up and down, unable to focus on anything, worrying relentlessly for poor old Jay-Z. “Is Jay-Z still offensively wealthy?” we ask ourselves. “Does Jay-Z still have so much money that he could buy you and your entire extended family, throw you all in a quarry, fill it in with a mixture of concrete and diamonds and still not notice any discernible difference in his bank account? Oh, say that he does!”
So it’s with great relief that we say, yes, according to the 2010 Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list, Jay-Z is still rich. Wildly rich. Disgustingly rich. $63 million a year rich. We’ve never been so happy. We think we’re welling up.
What you probably don’t understand is that Jay-Z needs to be so impossibly rich that it makes normal people genuinely contemplate suicide whenever they hear about it. He has mouths to feed, after all. Like his own mouth. And the mouth of Beyonce, even though she’s independently wealthy. And, um… OK, so it’s basically just his mouth and Beyonce’s mouth that he needs to feed. But that still counts. Probably.
Either way, it doesn’t matter. Jay-Z is so rich that he could literally buy all of your childhood memories just so that he could set fire to them in front of you while he sits in a throne made of swan feathers and unicorn tears and laughs, and there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, according to the just-published Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list 2010, Jay-Z is the richest rapper of them all. Yes, again. MTV reports:
For the third time in four years, Jay-Z has been crowned the “Hip-Hop Cash King” by Forbes. The Brooklyn lyricist topped the business magazine’s annual ranking of high-rolling hip-hop stars by earning $63 million over the past 12 months, thanks to business ventures like a high-grossing tour, real estate investments and the successful Broadway production “Fela!”
Jay-Z is so insultingly loaded, in fact, that his earnings are more than double that of the next-placed rapper Diddy, who only managed to scrape together a paltry $30 in the last 12 months. Third was Akon who, because he signed Lady Gaga to his label, raked in $21 million. But spare a thought for poor old 50 Cent who now languishes at a lowly number 14, having only made $8 million this year. $8 million? 50 Cent, you really are an embarrassingly pointless failure.
*Checks own bank account*
*Goes to kill self, realises there’s not even enough money to buy rope to hang self*
*Cries a bit instead*