Everyone Loves Sarah Palin’s Redneck Illegitimate Grandkid-Maker
If you ever wanted to be famous, why not take a leaf out of Levi Johnson’s book and knock up the teenage daughter of a high-ranking politician?
It seems to work – a few days ago, nobody knew who Levi Johnson was. And now, just because he happened to get vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s underage daughter pregnant out of wedlock, you literally can’t get away from him. Seriously, he’s been in newspapers, magazines, on TV – and this morning we swear we saw Levi Johnson on a billboard advertising Sunny Delight, accompanied by the slogan ‘So good it’ll make you want to grow a mullet and have unprotected sex with a teenage girl, too!’
And, perversely, Levi Johnson seems to have only made Sarah Palin more popular. Barack Obama must be kicking himself – why can’t he find a nice young redneck to get one of his daughters pregnant too?
Sorry Democrats, we know you’ve put Diddy on the case, but not even his star wattage can help you now. Not now you’re up against the mighty Sarah Palin. She’s literally unstoppable.
Why? Because for a start she’s pretty. Not pretty pretty, mind you – politician pretty, which is basically where anyone under the age of 65 who doesn’t look like a greying testicle counts as stunningly attractive. Secondly, Sarah Palin loves guns and the death penalty, meaning that middle America would only love her more if she was biologically a monster truck. And thirdly, her teenage daughter sounds a bit slutty and careless.
As you’ve probably heard, Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant. A pregnant teenage unmarried daughter? What a genius career move – Sarah Palin has essentially done a Jamie Lynn Spears. If you’re wondering, doing a Jamie Lynn Spears is much smarter than doing a Britney Spears, although not as smart as doing a Vanessa Hudgens.
Sadly Sarah Palin knows who the father of her daughter’s unborn illegitimate baby is, otherwise they could have done an episode of Maury about it and wrap up the election right now. The father of the baby is Levi Johnson, an ice hockey player who described himself as a ‘fuckin’ redneck’ on his now-defunct MySpace page.
And right now Levi Johnson is probably wondering what the hell he’s got himself into.
Not only is he (probably) being railroaded into marrying Sarah Palin’s daughter so that Palin can show everyone how pro-life and pro-heterosexuality and pro-redneck she really is, but Levi Johnson’s also been forced to go to the Republican National Convention this week, too, according to his mother. People reports:
Sherry Johnston told reporters that Levi left Alaska on Tuesday to fly to St. Paul, Minn., according to the Associated Press… Asked to respond to reports that the young couple had been pressured to marry, Sherry Johnston replied, “Absolutely not.” She said that Levi and Bristol had plans to marry even before they learned that Bristol was pregnant.
So, thanks to a moment of thoughtlessness, Levi Johnson now gets to spend the best part of a week hanging round with a load of dusty old men who only talk about tax cuts and immigrants. The message is clear – kids, wear a condom. That sounds worse than chlamydia.
Disabled people should be killed before they pass their disease-infested genes on. It’s too late for Sarah Palin but we can make sure that her offspring doesn’t breed. Four more months though, and it will be too late for that too….
I can see it now, in the wake of the cancellations of Living Lohan and Denise Richards: It’s Complicated….
NEW FOR 2009 on E! – Palin To Insignificance
Follow the hilarious exploits of the Palin family as matriarch Sarah forges a new post-McCain media career, encouraging her kids to drop more sprogs in the name of cash – sorry, our Lord Jesus Christ.
Episode 1
- Sarah looks pretty in new role as a Fox News ‘analyst’
- Bristol signs $1m OK! deal for kiddy pictures
- Levi shoots old man in the face
Episode 2
CANCELLED. No one cares.
Girle, you sound like such a daehkcid – if your idea is correct your mother would have aborted u.
Wow, what a horrible person Gir is! Weird how such meanness comes out when people don’t agree with some guys all the time. I think Sarah Palin is awesome and shows how her detractors are terrified of her. She’s going to make a fabulous president in a few years! GO SARAH!!!!
Jew for Sarah: It does sound like somebody peed in his cornflakes, doesn’t it??? Remember, low vocab = low intelligence – I rest my case
I was just told that there was a video on youtube in which three of Bristol’s classmates appear to say that the (unborn) baby is not Levi Johnston’s. Apparently the video was online for a few hours before it was deleted; however, some people managed to download it. Did anyone watch that? Please let me know if you have.
So… not only does Mr. Proud Republican feel the need to post multiple times, talking to himself, as “Another Proud Republican” (seriously, you oughta be more careful with that double post buddy!) and probably others, but he feels the need to call people out on the Internet for spelling mistakes. Schizophrenia is serious business.
Fingers crossed, someday intelligent Republicans will resurface in this country. Until then, good luck!
yes, I just watched it. Two of these classmates are her Obstretition staff and the third is a soothsayer.
You think thats funnie, thats not funnnie – everybody knows the third kid is the Wizard of Oz and he knows all! You rascally republikin…..
You are all so funny – Gir, will you marry me?
Gir, Gir, Gir, besides beating off in the dark, what do you do?
nobody knows whose kid it is. you’re 17, you’re horny and everyone is screwing everybody. the problem comes in when you’ve been raised by idiots who think birth control is a sin.
I saw the video – those weren’t classmates, they were the Three Wise Men…..
I just want to say, I hope “if” the republicans win, they wont make abortion elegal in NY. I live in Florida now and we have to fly home to NY for abortion services because florida is a red state and they dont like to perform abortions. Ass whipes!
TheAre – maybe during your abortions you should bone up (pardon the pun) on a spelling book. It’s “illegal” and “wipes”. Better yet, I know where you can get a do-it-yourself kit and won’t have to pay the air fare to NY…..that is, if guns are still legal in Florida.
Sorry you feel singled out, Dear Ms. Proud UnRepublican (is that like UnAmerican) but if you’re going to post in a public forum, it’s best not to appear illiterate.
Proud Republican:
My mom didn’t allow me to have sex, but she did inform me of the risks and consequences so I had the knowledge to make an informed decision on my own.
I went on the pill at 16, didn’t do “it” till 19, I am 26 now, and guess what? No STD’s and no pregnancies… not even a scare…
I went to a Catholic high school, with little sex education… and by the time I graduated…. 7 of my classmates had kids, out of 136… Who knows how many more had abortions?
When I asked my friends why they didn’t use a condom… or get on the pill… the answer was always they were too embarrassed to buy them, or didn’t want their parents finding them… etc…
In college, we could get them free at the clinic, and I know I used to use the free condoms, I am sure others did, too.
While knowledge cannot cure all problems, it sure as hell will beat ignorance any day of the week.
After all, isn’t Bristol Palin a shining example of what happens when ignorance and stupidity overpower knowledge and common sense?
I bet Sarah Palin does not change her stance on abstinence only programs, either… and in 4 years we can expect Willow to pop one out, too.
Also, wouldn’t be awesome if Trojan or Durex asked Levi Johnston to be their new spokesman?
Love this, while “Gir” wasn’t very elequent in his language, he made a at least half decient, point by point, logical argument against an opposing point.
And he/she is met with simple childish personal attacks.
This is why our democracy is flawed (ahhh, another scary terrorist, card carrying “red”… Jesus!)
Leave the baby talk for the school yard kids, the adults are talking politics.
(by the way gir,and everyone else, racism and heterosexism have NO place in a intelegent modern society.)
this has turned from rep. vs dems to dumbfuck americans being confundlizeded by the brits. (i put a “z” in there for you)
awesome.
come on gir, brighten up my day some more.
i bloody hope you are british otherwise ill look like a right cunt.
Wo there! I bet you HS dudes have left the office to celebrate this one with a case or two of champers “Bollingers to exact”
At least it’ll knock that “big dick” blog off the #1 spot.
Speaking of which, what do you tell your Nan when you visit? “Oh I work in the city Nan, you know publishing stuff about very big dongs”
darf
Nothing will ever topple the Big Dick thread. Although there are quite a lot of big dicks in this thread.
And I’m not sure if it counts when half the posts are clearly from the same person.
I just noticed I wrote a bad word. Does that mean that all opinions contained within this post are instantly invalidated? At least I didn’t spell anything wrong.
ms proud non republican – why go to a Catholic school and have sex? Isn’t that, uuh, against the rules? Isn’t birth control against the rules? I’m, uhm, confused…..are you also divorced, too? I’m confused. Glad you don’t have any stds but I heard syphillis does erode the brain…
I know why the British guy is so mean – I’ve been to England. All they eat is boiled meat and potatoes – he’s probably constipated. The Brits love America because we are free and prosperous. We have huge, lovely homes, beautiful cities, nice roomy cars, and don’t have to bow to some old frump and pay for their high living………The McCain Palin ticket is the winner! They love America and have the experience, presence and sense to run this country.If picking on Sarah’s child is all the other side has, they are obviously in trouble. Heck, a community organizer, whatever that is, with two memoirs. What has he done to write about, besides snort cocaine?
Good grief – would you people rather the girl had murdered the baby in utereo? Is that what you’re all so hot and bothered about? Do you really think that today’s teens, as sophisticated as they are with condoms on the rack at every store, are so ignorant they don’t know about birth control? Like some teacher can tell them something they don’t already know about this? You are so ignorant! I hope this Gir person doesn’t have kids – think of what they would be listening to in that house.
I’m fairly sure Gir is american. As for Marxist, all you sockpuppets, I wish to god you were blessed with one in charge. Obama is not a Marxist. In fact, fuck Marxism, you need a good dose of the jackboot. Watching something like the Khmer Rouge sweep through your country dragging all your jesus-freak retards out of the herd and culling them would give me material to beat off to in the dark for the rest of my life. Why, I’m turgid at the very thought of it.
“UnRepublican (is that like UnAmerican)”
That’s exactly it. Stupid fucking cunt.
“Good grief – would you people rather the girl had murdered the baby in utereo?”
Actually I prefer babies to be born and then murdered; slowly tortured to death by flashbulbs.
“I hope this Gir person doesn’t have kids – think of what they would be listening to in that house.”
HAHAHAHAHAA better than the child abuse of forced ignorance.
“Love this, while “Gir†wasn’t very elequent in his language,”
WHAT THE FUCK, I use a two dollar word like “microcosm” correctly and I get no fucking respect for it. Socioeconomic? No? Elementary Rhetoric….surely someone is familiar with that concept?
@ stayathomemom
you are confusing meanness with exasperation. see, this is what happens when the americans are left to their own devices.
you know how sometimes your kid just doesn’t “get it”, and won’t shut up? and you end up shouting at them, waving your hands in the air before realising; i guess they just need to grow up and learn a little more about the world.
Gir/Gil: Are you two married – you sure sound alike. Gir – From Websters:
–adjective 1. inflated, overblown, or pompous; bombastic: I think you nailed it – this should be on all Democratic Party literature – it’s like their budgets (hee, hee)
Pretty sure that’s not a real dictionary entry.
Gilbert Wham – I am so sorry for you. If it hadn’t been for Jesus, you wouldn’t be here now. If it were not for the gun toting rednecks as you all refer to the Sarah Palins, you would all be speaking some other language not enjoying this wonderful freedom of being able to post your comments here, filthy language and all.There are some countries where you would be put into prison for that.Sarah Palin and her family are decent, hardworking, self-made Americans who put people like you to shame. If your posts here are your best contribution to our wonderful country, may God have mercy on your souls.
Hey, dumbshit: Gilbert Wham is one o’ them filthy foreigners.
And quit with your masturbatory martyrdom okay? It’s really tiresome to hear yet another self-pitying Christian whine about how they do everything for everyone and get less respect than Rodney Dangerfield. Give it a fucking rest.
Hello fellow God-fearing American,
I just received a message from James Brown. The almighty’s name has been invoked a few times in this thread. James is not The Almighty, but he is the godfather of soul. All other operators were busy with the impending hurricanes off the coast.
James B. says thusly:
Hecklerspray is a satirical website, that appears to be British based; verily stayathome mom, gun toting rednecks have done nothing for these writers besides offer an easy target for ridicule.
Thusly, verily, foremost, you guys look like dumb dumbs carrying on this stupid political conversation on a news satire site. (Don’t you see the article making fun of your arch nemesis Michael Moore?
The greatest commandment for posting on a satirical website reads, thusly:
If you can’t say something smart-@$$d, don’t say anything at all.
James B.
P.S. somebody please dig up my body and place me in a cemetary, instead of my daughter’s {as far as the DNA test show} backyard.
Thanks James.
AAAAOOOOOW! You make E. Bunny feel good too!
gir, I was making a reference to the attacked made on your argument based only on the fact you used “bad” words. Props on the 37 dollar words, but give people something arbitrary to complain about, in order to ignore the actual argument, and they will. Haha
I’m simply here to kill time during my commute analyzing diffrent argument styles.
how long before we get an X factor style election?
seriously.
come on, it couldn’t get any worse.
Gir Baby – bite my ass, you queen ass sucking fool.
LEVI, YOU ARE NO REDNECK
Richard Barrett
Levi Johnston, the foul-mouthed, eighteen-year-old Alaskan, whose
“relationship” with Bristol Palin, the seventeen-year-old daughter
of Sarah Palin, the choice of John McCain for the Republican
vice-presidential nomination, claims to be a “(deleted) redneck.” He is not.
The claim by Levi, on his since-removed “Myspace” webpage,
stated that the hockey-player, with shaggy hair, wispy beard
and necklace, originally kept confidential until revealed by
investigative-reporters, was in a “relationship,” but did not desire
children. Palin, who is married to an Eskimo and has had a
genetically-defective child, later said that Levi would marry
Bristol, who was five-months pregnant with Levi’s child. Levi, who
declined comment, did not confirm any marriage-plans, however.
A “redneck” is a white person, who works long hours in the sun
and who acquires a “red neck,” as a result. The most extant and
homogeneous white-populace is indigenous to the Southern United
States, which also has the hottest, most-tropical climate, so
“redneck” is, usually, associated with the South. Insofar as the
former-Confederacy has the largest-percentage per-capita of
descendants of African-slaves, “rednecks” are, also, known as
staunch-segregationists, who have generated “Jim Crow,” “Black Codes”
and “white-flight,” in order to prevent “black-power” from overtaking
not only their region, but the entire nation. The Solid-South, termed
the Bible-Belt for its strong Christian-traditions, has the most
churches, per-capita, and is regarded as highly moral-oriented.
Jon Hinson, a GOP-Congressman, caught in homosexuality, and
Jimmy Swaggert, a televangelist patronizing prostitutes, both with
“redneck” roots, tearfully apologized, in reliance on the Southern
and Scriptural dictum of “go and sin no more.” Levi, on the other
hand, has offered no such “apology” or “repentance.” “Rednecks,”
invariably, combine morality, politics and religion, in what some
have called a “social-conservative” agenda. After the Civil War,
they became vigilantes, sometimes called “nightriders,” uprooting
Scalawags, native-Southerners who were in cahoots with Negroes, and
Carpetbaggers, Northern-occupiers who attempted to force integration.
They continue to operate under the Cross and glory in their
militancy. Levi has shown no such traits.
“Redneck” need not be necessarily confined to any geographic-area.
A “redneck” may be seen, driving a pick-up truck in Mississippi, flying
a Confederate-flag, with a bumper-sticker, “Segregation, Hell, I’m
for Slavery”, just as much as a youth in chilly Latvia, waving a
Confederate-flag to call for the overthrow of Communism, or a
South-Boston Irishman, festooning a Shamrock and demanding an
end to forced-bussing. But, wherever they may be, “rednecks” share a
common-bond. They are “have-nots,” who describe themselves as “poor,
but proud.” Purity of blood is uppermost to them and miscegenation is
tantamount to a capital-offense. Those who fornicate or, even,
fraternize, across racial-lines, have been subjected to protests,
ostracism and, even, lynchings by “rednecks.”
“Rednecks” couple with their own kind, excluding not only Negroes,
but Asiatics, Indians and Hispanics. So, Levi disqualified himself by
copulating with an Eskimo. “Rednecks,” also, insist on “purity” of
blood, which would instantly reject sexual-relations with someone
with the congenitally-diseased, “red-man” genes of the Palins.
Communist websites continually mock “rednecks” for what they term
being “inbred,” as part of their appeal to integrate and “blend” all
colors, blood and nations. “Rednecks” are prolific. They make up for
fewer material-goods with more bountiful families, according to the
Scriptural-admonition to “be fruitful and multiply.” Levi’s
declaration that he desired no children fits more into some
“hippy” or “new-age” genre, than the “redneck” mode.
“Rednecks,” being close to the soil, Jeffery White calls them
“country-boys,” have established strong bonds and notions
about the worth-ethic. They are quick to renounce “loafers” and
“welfare-types,” using Negroes and Indians as examples of their
disdain. They were called “New Dealers,” then “Wallace-Democrats,”
then “Reagan-Democrats,” coming down on the side of strong and
nurturing government and against the haughty, greedy and elitist.
Unlike Levi, given the choice of mingling with folks living in
trailers or meandering through estates of some big-shots,
“rednecks” would feel more “at home” with the trailers. The man as
head-of-the-home is non-negotiable with them, which is why the
overwhelming vote against the Equal Rights Amendment emanated
from the South.
Privation and oppression have stalked “rednecks,” but not Levi.
“Rednecks” speak up, in behalf of “social-justice” in the workplace,
but equally demand social-discipline in the home. They paddle a
wayward child, the same as some unworthy public-figure. When, in
Jackson, Mississippi, the preachers at the Crossgates Baptist Church,
First Baptist Church and Griffith Memorial Methodist Church were
nabbed having improper sexual-relationships, the “rednecks” quickly
ousted them. There was no “praise” heaped upon them. No assertion
that the goings-on were “private.” “Rednecks” may be tolerant of
drinking, cussing, carousing and, even, running afoul of the law, but
Levi’s Eskimo-escapade has prompted only, “I never knew you, depart
from me, ye that work iniquity.”
http://www.skinheadz.com/news/articles/2008/090301.html
http://www.youtube.com/v/T7bWZ9LUv2g&hl=en
Copyright 2008 Skinheadz
Christ on a rusty bike. I step away for a couple of days, and THIS?
When did H-spray become the Repugnican Roost?
This thread achieves some kind of acme of shitheadedness.
Newsflash for the Jesus People: when He comes back to
judge us all He is giving the planet back to the cockroaches,
not a bunch of self-laudatory, pompous, arrogant, self-righteous
fuckheads who think that by putting His name in every
sentence they are Holy. If Jesus were alive today, he’d never stop throwing up.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA holier-than-thou white power types on hecklerspray. Will wonders never cease?
Oh, and thanks for the offer, but my heart belongs to Hyde.
If it wasn’t for the fact that we let all your wingnut ancestors bugger off on a ship and found that ill-advised colony, we wouldn’t be in this mess. The whole thing was a dreadful mistake…
Man, where will the coveted white power vote go this time? One one side it’s a black dude for president, and on the other it’s an Eskimo-lover for vice.
Probably makes them long for the 2004 election cycle, when the only blackness involved was Dick Cheney’s heart.
Methinks the smelly English are still sore because we whupped their arses and got away from the Queens Cult. Thankfully so or we’ll all end up inbred fools with big ugly ears. wearing skirts and knee sox, married to rotweillers. Ugh, get that picture out of my mind – thank god they are too senile to reproduce!
Elmo-you nailed it! face it, Brits female politicians have all been hags – they’d give anything to have Sarah!
Hey Gilbert, nobody gives a fuck that you’re British. It’s not very logical to think that you’re smarter than the average American simply because your mother squatted you out in some particular location…it just means you more likely to have bad teeth and like marmite.
And thanks, Elmo, for making Americans look like giant cunts.
Ooops, I left out a word. I guess that make me a stupid American. Or a poor typer. I am a little delirious from this massive hangover.
I’m 26 and I’m apathetic. Is this normal?