Everyone Is Jealous Of Kerry Katona - Official

If hecklerspray was to sit you down - possibly with a nice cup of tea and some name brand chocolate biscuits - and then ask you which public figure you were the most ‘jealous’ of, what would you say?

You could possibly opt for Norman Mailer, who kickstarted a lifetime of searing cultural commentary when he published his sensational debut novel The Naked And The Dead at the sickeningly tender age of just 24. Possibly.

Or maybe you’d sigh, stop pretending to be all intellectual and grudgingly admit how envious you are of superstar couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - infuriatingly good-looking, insanely wealthy and able to waltz around the world in big private jets eating big private plates of sumptuous caviar.

Or - finally - you’d perhaps break down in tears and bawl about how you’re really, really jealous of a bubble-headed empty-souled uberchav whose track record of ‘achievements’ includes a) being in a girl band for about five minutes, b) gurning to camera in a series of hellishly awful commercials for pikey-beacon supermarket Iceland and c) having big wobbly tits.

It’s a toughie, isn’t it?

Not if you’re Kerry Katona (CDs), it isn’t.

Kerry claims that all the people who have sold stories about her to newspapers (presumably the word ’story’ is being used in the loosest possible sense; seeing as most of these ‘exclusives’ consist of revelations like ‘Ex-Atomic-Kitten girl has ability to breathe’ or ‘Wow! Busty Kerry has a face‘) have done so simply because they’re ‘jealous’.

Katona has rubbished claims that she has a raging drink problem and likes to indulge in the odd bit of Grandpa Self-Esteem’s Magic Nose Powder:

"I’ve never taken cocaine. Never in a million years."

A statement which would probably work equally well with the refrain ‘passed a GSCE’, one feels.

Katona - feverishly convincing herself that she is the target of some huge socio-media conspiracy like some silly X-Files bit-character - has hit upon the theory that the main ‘jealous’ culprits are simply hordes of ‘bitchy’ women out to gather vengeance.

Maybe she has a point. Germaine Greer may have pioneered the feminist movement since the 1970’s, but hecklerspray bets she’s mighty upset that she never got the chance to shit out legions of idiot-children fathered by Westlife star and walking charisma bypass Brian McFadden.

Still. The media, eh? Giving the silly little wannabe all that attention. Honestly - if we see one more article giving that two-bit nonentity even the slightest bit of exposure, we’re all going to scream until our arses melt.

Oh.

Read More:

Katona: ‘Jealous’ People Selling Stories About Me - Breaking News

[story by C J Davies]