One of the perks of being a famous woman is that if you ever have a baby, magazines will pay you millions of dollars to take photos of it.
And that's true whether you have an adorable baby or an angry pink monster with freakish little grasping fingers that creep you out every time you look at them. Like Christina Aguilera's baby.
Now before you get upset, remember that we're not the ones saying that. People magazine paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but since hardly anyone bought the issue, it's basically you who are saying that Christina Aguilera's baby is a ridiculous, funny-to-look-at waste of everyone's time. And you should be ashamed, damn you.
Who doesn't love Christina Aguilera? We know we do – whether she's dressing like a bit of a slut in her music videos or singing so loudly about being beautiful that we honestly worry she'll one day dislodge the moon, Christina Aguilera can basically do no wrong in our books. Apart from having children, of course, because that's rubbish.
Again, that's not our viewpoint but yours. You hate that Christina Aguilera had a baby boy, and you hate the baby boy itself. Even though it's just a poor defenceless baby that's never done anything wrong in any of its short life, you hate it. You hate its stupid ears and the crap middle-aged accountant haircut it was born with.
We know this because People magazine's circulation figures are 100,000 lower than usual, just because Christina Aguilera and her baby are on the front cover. Monsters And Critics reports:
The magazine reportedly paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but early estimates from the President's Day weekend sales show consumers weren't inspired to pick the issue up. The New York Post is reporting that the issue, which hit late last week, is on target to sell only around 1.3 million copies this week, according to some industry sources. Time Inc.'s biggest cash cow rag ordinarily sells and average 1.4 million copies a week on newsstands.
But why? Why do you – personally you – hate Christina Aguilera's baby so much? Is it because all the recent celebrity births and pregnancies have left you with a low-level baby apathy? Is it because you've finally worked out that all babies look completely bloody identical and Christina Aguilera may as well be holding a dentist's baby or even a slightly baby-shaped clump of Play-Doh and you wouldn't know any different?
Or is it because you're just plain pig sick of Christina Aguilera? We can't possibly see how it could be that, though, because during her pregnancy Christina Aguilera only referred to her baby once in public. Apart from that time she painted herself bright orange, got naked and obnoxiously screamed "Woo-Hoo! Look at me! I'm Christina Aguilera and I'm pregnant! Pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant PREGNANT!" from the cover of a magazine for cash, of course. But, come on, what expectant mother doesn't do that?
Anyway, we hope you're happy. You've wrecked Christina Aguilera's baby's life, you unthinking swines.
And if People's sales are down because nobody cares that Christina Aguilera's baby is on the cover, just imagine what'll happen when it puts Jennifer Lopez on the cover with her twins. We'll just be lucky if nobody firebombs the newsstands.
Read more:
Christina Aguilera's baby pictures fall flat – Monsters And Critics
mst3kster says
I’d bet that sales were down on that issue of People because Christina Aguilera’s baby has less white meat than Florence Henderson’s missing poodle.
David says
WHAT F”$%@G IS THAT?
YOU ARE BEING A MONSTER TALKING LIKE THAT REFERRING TO A BABY BOY,
IF CHRISTINA DONT SELL MAGAZINE COPIES ITS JUST BECAUSE STUPID PEOPLE LIKE YOU CELEBRATES MORE AN OTHER STUPID PERSON (BRITNEY SPAERAS) AND HER STUPID THINGS TO CAPT THE ATTENTION FOR MORE MONEY AND FAME WHILE CHRISTINA IS GROWNG MORE AND MORE PERSONALLY AND PROFESSIONALY.. SO IF YOU HATES CHRISTINA, DONT TRY TO SAY THAT EVERBODY HATES HER! I KNOW YOU’RE A POOR CRITIC.. WHO CARES WHAT YOU SAY IN THIS LITTLE POOR WEBSITE.
CHRISTINA HAS MILLINS AND MILLIONS DOLARS YOU DONT HAVE NATHING SO.. SHE HAVE FANS WHO SUPPORT HER. ON THE OTHER SIDE. HOW DO YOU EXPLAINS THAT CHRISTINA’S DVD IT IS FIRST IN SELLS DURING THE SECOND WEEK.. SO? THINK ABOUT IT.
nank says
fucking hell, hecklerspray’s got really good again
laura says
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH U.
U R BEING HORRIBLE ABOUT A CHILD THAT ENTERED THIS WORLD JUST A MONTH AGO
U SHOLD REALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT U WRITE BECAUSE SHE HAS A LOT MORE FANS THEN U EVER WILL
SHE IS BETTER THEN U
JUST BECAUSE SHE HASN’T SOLD ALL THE MAGAZINES DONSN’T MEAN HER BABY IS THE WORST CHILD IN THE WORLD.
I BET THAT SHE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THEN U, HAS MORE RESPECT THEN U AND DOESN’T TAKE HER ANGER OUT ON A MONTH OLD BABY.
U ARE A PIECE OF WORTH LESS SHIT AND HAVE NOTHING OVER CHRISTINA AND HER BABY.
HER SON IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO IS SHE.
Gospadin says
Uh-oh..somebodys’ Christina Aguilera anti-defamation defense missles have launched..All responses must now be in CAPS as a defensive measure. That is all.
evilcl0ne says
Do all Aguilera fans have their Caps-lock keys glued down with their fan-boy dribble?
munch says
OH MY TOTAL GAWD!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STUART HERITAGE?
HOW DARE YOU BE SO WITTY ABOUT THIS WHOLE VERY SERIOUS ISSUE THAT IS A DROP IN MAGAZINE SALES?
AND THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO POINT OUT THAT ALL BABIES LOOK THE SAME IS PLAIN DIS-GUS-TING.
YOU WILL NEVER BE AS COOL AS A WAR-TIME SLUT. ADMIT IT, DAMN IT.
laura says
WHEN DID IT BECOME FUNNY TO TAKE THE PISS OUT OF A 1 MONTH OLD BABY THAT HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG IN THIS WORLD.
BY THE WAY EVILCL0NE CHRISTINA’S FANS HAVE CAP LOCKS ON WHEN THEY WRITE SO THAT THE MESSAGE CATCHES YOUR EYES
U DON’T HAVE TO BE A MASTER TO WORK THAT OUT.
CHRISTINA’S HATERS CAN GET RIGHT LOST FOR ALL I CAN.
gir says
Yeah, that message really catches the eye. Just like a rusty coat hanger.
mst3kster says
Your comments always crack me, gir. :)
And yeah, evilclOne, Christina’s fans need to have their Caps Lock key on when they type because, they too are attention whores – just like the slut they worship.
euclid says
Babies, babies, so innocent and pure.
Babies, babies, have infantile allure.
Don’t be mean to babies or I’ll punch you in the head.
And babies, babies, babies, will be be writing in your stead.
Actually, that last line’s crap. How about this:
And babies, babies, babies will feast on your ungodly corpse
for peeing on the altar of our homogenous consciousness.
Yeah. Now THAT’s got beat. Go Babies! That’s how you say it!
euclid says
Also, I am curious. Does the photo spread inside
show CA actually sinking her teeth in?
She looks pretty hungry in the cover shot.
gir says
actually what she looks like is “Oh, hey, didn’t see you there with that GIGANTIC CAMERA while I’m holding MY BABY in a completely uncomfortable position while I turn MY BABY so you can see MY BABY’s face. With your CAMERA. To take a picture of MY BABY.”
babyh8tr says
People, people, people. We all seem to be missing the point here.
1. THEN is a point in time, THAN is the correct word
2. BRITNEY SPAERAS is a non-existent person
3. WHO CARES WHAT YOU SAY IN THIS LITTLE POOR WEBSITE…why bother responding then?
4. MILLINS. How manty THSNDS in a MILLINS?
5. NATHING. Really, I do have NATHING, its right next to my SAMTHING.
6. Writing something in all CAPS shows real support for your favorite singer as opposed to actually buying the magazine.
But let’s look on the bright side here. At least we can easily figure out who her fans are now. They are the ones who can’t spell and send you emails in CAPS. Also the same people who read the Onion and think it’s real news.
laura says
u haters are just jeslous because she has a better life then u and u know that.
u hater are all worthless pieces of crap.
Snapper Winston says
LOL MISSING POODLE /LOL
evilcl0ne says
Dammit, I knew I had some kind of problem and thankfully Laura you have defined it for me…….I’m just ‘jeslous’….now wheres that medical dictionary?!
Rusty says
I LOVE XTINA
I LOVE XTINA
I LOVE XTINA
I LOVE XTINA
I LOVE XTINA
BUT HER BABY IS RUBBISH!!!
and i think whats worse than having the caps lock on is when people come up with clever user names that have numbers in them that look similar to certain letters so they still spell a word but like…..with numbers.
donkeyballs says
“WHEN DID IT BECOME FUNNY TO TAKE THE PISS OUT OF A 1 MONTH OLD BABY”
I thought they did this quite easily themselves. Weeing, wrinkly things.
laura says
donkeyballs u where a wrinkly thing once u still are
Brandibunny says
This writer is a dick, plain and simple.
jen says
you are a f&#king idiot, why write shit like that. You are a jealouse person who im sure has no kids of your own. would anyone pay for photos of your kid? i doubt it. grow up and get real she is a better and bigger person than you will ever be. not to mention extremely talented. LOSER you are
dejja says
U ARE DISGUSTING, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE NO HEART AND KARMA IS GOING TO GET U, U PIECE OF CRAP. WHO CARES ABOUT YOU OPPINION ANYWAY. I HOPE THAT ONE DAY IF YOU HAVE A BABY YOU WILL FEEL WHAT YOU ARE SAYING RIGHT NOW AND HOW WRONG IT IS. ACTUALLY I HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN SO THEY DON’T END UP TURNING INTO THE SAME KIND OF MALICIOUS ASSHOLE YOU ARE. WOW, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL IF YOU AREN’T IN ONE ALREADY WITH THE ATTITUDE YOU HAVE YOU SOUND VERY MISERALBLE. I FEEL BAD FOR ANY OFFSPRING THAT COME FROM YOUR BODY….. PICK ON GROWN PEOPLE NOT BABIES YOU SICK PERSON. DO YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF? YOU WOULD BE THE TYPE TO KICK A LITTLE DOG TOO WOULDN’T YOU? I WISH I COULD SEE YOU SO I COULD KICK YOU IN YOUR BITCH ASS CHIN RIGHT NOW. JUST HAVING A BABY IS AMAZING EXCPET FOR YOUR MOTHER WHO IS PROBABLY ASHAMED YOU CAME OUT OF HER BODY RIGHT NOW. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SWALLOWED YOU WASTE OF A HUMAN SOUL……
tam says
Referring to a specific baby, that’s a bit too nasty. There is something which draws me to this website when I’m bored at work – but that’s the only time I look and most significantly the only time I can justify it. Most of the articles are written by arrogant, embarrassingly fuck-I’m-clever people who you’d probably want to nut if you met any of em and they spoke as they write.
munch says
oh god. there seems to be a whole army of them.
gir says
And here I was thinking my Hard-fi post was over the top.
Stuart Heritage says
Hello Tamara. Lovely to have you back.
Paul Sorrenti says
in the words of doug stanhope, or atleast similar to: there’s one kind of minority group that gets away with everything in this country. 2 million of them join every year. they don’t work, they don’t speak the language, they expect the rest of society to clean up after them, and sit on their useless stinking asses all day…that’s right: babies! fucking babies. get back where you belong: as the jizz pouring off tam’s perpetually pissed off space-race, oh yah, is it cold out there, bowie? do you need my jumper, bowie?
euclid says
The conflation of the Whore/Madonna complex
is rightly troubling. Like Jesus getting caught with
a prostitute or something… hang on…
It’s not the baby being ridiculed you lobeless toads,
it’s the twenty-odd years of stupid page 6 headlines
about substance abuse, petty theft and relationship troubles
that will inevitably follow, all under the ravenous glare
of a mother so hungry for attention she regularly dresses
like someone off the set of a batman movie. Trying much, are we?
The child would be better off in foster-care with a 15% chance
at a normal life than being pressed into service as a badge of the sanctity
of motherhood at the tender age of 3 days. On the bright side,
the child has incontrovertible evidence that it’s mother is an egotistical ghoul
who will sell her child on the spot to try to assuage her unfathomable
appetite for attention under the misguided notion that somehow this attention
equates to love.
tam says
hello stuart he he he
tam says
Paul Sorrenti is funny. We like him.
munch says
I think you need to make a video like this:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RSXcCh-YwBo&feature=related
Mindy Vosburgh says
Christinas baby is not stupid. I hate people that are jealous. Little max is a very handsome baby boy. I am so happy for the parents. they are wonderful parents.
bethany 22808 says
since when do magazine sales have anything to do with the fact that a baby is loved or hated? there is nothing wrong with that beautiful baby boy…theres only something wrong with the person(s) that would say something so crude, never any baby anything less than a blessing and beautiful a angel
Danielle says
I hate this whole thing, why the hell should you judge a baby just because magazines never sold… I can assure you that Max has a very loving mother and father and they always will love him no matter what the public say so you might aswell just shut up and stop talking crap, i mean come on the baby is only 4 months old! You wouldnt be talking like this if it was your own baby!
dalziiiii says
hey man take it easyyy nowwww Xtinaa is a maddd singaaa and a hot mummaaaa soo shut up and take ur sorry asses bak to were u came fromm oh yerr dats ur mummm u came from becozzz every one in dis world has a chance to do anythinngg u dont have to be a non famouse person to have a baby come on celebzz are human if u have noticed u lovee their songss and pay to watch em live u will go crazyy wen u c em in real life now imaaa break it to yaaa!!! if ur jelouse dat xtinaa had a cuteee babyyyy well dats a different story come on man get ovaa itt she can have as manyy babies as she likes no body tells you to stop having wat evaa u like i mean come on any of u guyss would love to be dat baby ritee now coz off wat xtinaa iss buh baby max doesnt need to be told his uglii mann grow some brainnnnn n shut upp if u dont like it keeep it to urself coz its onli gonna kill u not otherss xtina is living the life any of u moronss would love to livee sooo shut up and get a life oh waitt u cant coz ur bussy analysingg otherss WAT A LIFEE!!!! soo go jumpp leave da baby aloneeee losersss I LOVE U XTINAAA MWAAA XOXOOXOXOXXOXO =]
NinjaCat says
Just a bit fucking rude ain’t ya? I’m pretty sure if you ever bothered to “spawn” your own demon children you definitely wouldn’t want some over the top “fuck- I’m – embarrassingly- clever” asshole making comments like that. You lack morals and a filter from your head to your mouth. This article was just plain mean. I don’t even like children, but that’s uncalled for and completely insensitive to target a specific baby.
Congratulations, you hate a baby. If you can tell a person by the friends they keep, god knows what you can tell by the people they hate.
And before I get the “If you don’t like don’t read comments,” don’t worry, I won’t. I just feel that the ‘I’m an arrogant bastard who can write whatever the hell I want and get away with it’ attitude should be fucking reprimanded.
Thanks
levin says
I LOVE CHRISTINA AGUILERA I GUARANTEE THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS DOESNT MAKE ANY MONEY AND PROBLEY DOESNT LOOK AS GOOD AS CHRISTINA. I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL FOR TALKING LIKE THAT ABOUT A WOMAN WHO HAS INSPIRED ME TO LIFT MY HEAD UP THROUGH HARD TIMES!!!!! KISS MY ASS CHRISTINA FANS SITCK BEHIND HER!!
blablabla...? says
i always though Christina’s baby looked like an albino baboon…
I’m just saying… Oo…
she tries so desperately to be like Britney but it ain’t gonna happen…
FGSG says
i love christina aguilera.
and i think its competele bullshit the writer said this
HE WAS ONE MONTH OLD BABYYY!
dont say people hate him.
thats so creul.
hes like two or three now, and he is probaly just starting realize how his mom is an icon.
im not even gonnna keep going.
this is probaly an unsuccessful writer trying to recongized by writiing a trash articles like this.
CHEAPP!
Patty Smith says
That is one of the ugliest babies I have ever seen.