Everybody Is Wrong: Star Wars
Films.
Good, aren’t they? Big, thought-provoking moving pictures. "Truth twenty-four times a second," to use a well-turned phrase. Camera-laid masterworks with plot, character and meaning, sparkling with wit, atmosphere and insight. Maybe they’ll make you smile. Maybe they’ll break your heart. Maybe they’ll make you sick.
Films are good.
Star Wars, however, isn’t. And that’s why it’s been chosen as the first nominee for Everybody Is Wrong – a weekly feature in which we take a sacred cow and slide it through the abattoir until it’s nothing more than wafer-thin burger material for the kiddie menu.
Okay, okay. That lead-in may have been a little deceiving. It’s not as if hecklerspray sits with the curtains closed watching Fellini movies all day. hecklerspray likes popcorn nonsense. hecklerspray likes blockbustery celluloid fun as much as the next ticketholder.
But Star Wars?
Sorry, folks. It’s a pile of poo.
Badly-written, badly-acted drivel. Leave your childhood memories of that first big spaceship behind – you know, the "oh, the way it crawled over the screen was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen" nonsense. Just for a second – go on. Now watch the films again. The original three and – if you’re a braver soul than many – the godawful follow-ups that managed to make their predecessors look positively wonderful.
Boring, aren’t they?
Couldn’t care less about any of the characters, could you? That’s because there aren’t any. Just a bunch of action figure templates, that’s all, shambling around from snoozeworthy, humourless ’set-piece’ to appallingly-scripted ‘emotional’ moments. Admit it. Go on. It’ll do you good.
Oh, wait – there is one noble exception to all of this. Harrison Ford (DVDs) is okay in a breezy sort-of-way as Han Solo … but not quite good enough to make hecklerspray stop watching and put on the Indiana Jones boxset instead.
And, please – The Empire Strikes Back isn’t ‘dark’. Stop saying that. You just sound silly. Ichi The Killer is ‘dark’. Requiem For A Dream is ‘dark’. Tolstoy’s Death Of Ivan Ilych is ‘dark’. The Empire Strikes Back is just a film about some space-muppets that doesn’ t have a proper ending.
Other reasons that Star Wars sucks? Okay, then.
– It killed off the new wave of 1970s American cinema.
- Jar-Jar Binks.
- It helped launch the cult of the ‘inner child’ – so beloved of Spielberg and his ilk – which ultimately meant that the cinema got so clogged with pap like E.T that nothing was showing for your ‘outer adult’ anymore.
– Jar-Jar Binks.
- It emotionally crippled a chunk of a generation. Others lost their young men to wars. This lot were lost to silly lightbeam-swords and talking goldfish-men.
- Jar-Jar Binks.
- No-one has yet refunded hecklerspray for the ten pounds sterling paid to see Revenge Of The Sith (our arm was twisted, people… twisted).
– Jar-Jar Binks.
And we’re sure there are plenty more. Why not leave some of your own in the comments below? You know you want to.
Oh, and the next Everybody Is Wrong? Any Lord Of The Rings fans might want to start sharpening their arguments, pronto…
[story by C J Davies]
Totally agree, I liked it when I was a kid but then i GREW UP.
I dunno. The first one’s a pretty comprehensive journey based on the theories of Joseph Campbell, theories that go back all the way to ancient mythologies.
All the rest, though, can suck my bitch-ass balls
Um … duh.
Oh, you thought you were the only one who ever came up with these types of arguments. Oh.
What movies are truly great? Explain that one, genius. Movies are … um, let me think … uh … oh yeah! Movies are a bunch of morons who don’t have minds of their own all acting like someone else who they think has a mind. And they let someone put it all on film or digital media, as the case may be.
I must say, though, that from a marketing standpoint I think Lucas and Spielberg are geniuses. They have obviously attended Evil Science University and are a part of a secret society determined to brainwash everyone and take over the world.
Excuse me, now, please. I must get back to practicing my Jedi mind trick.
You love Star Wars …
(I’m waving my hand nonchalantly in front of your beany little face).
P.S. I’m better than everyone and I’m not wrong about that.
Bite me.
Seriously? Ok, i mean the prequel trilogy is a load of pants but the original films? They are good films. Despite my feelings about A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back, I think that Return of the Jedi is worse than Attack of the Clones or Revenge of the Sith, I do tend to agree with you about Jar Jar Bings, who is arguably THE worst character EVER invented and i would gladly watch him die a slow and horrible death, but the actual overall storyline is brillaint. Far better than the american remakes of films such as Ring and Dawn of the Dead. Atleast Star Wars has some origniality to it. As for your commments on The Empire Strikes Back it is a far supperior film to those godawful “horror” films of the last few years such as The Blair Witch Project; which i know for a fact you own on DVD. Also you seem to have forgotten that if Star Wars had not come about then perhaps the Indiana Jones films wouldn’t exist either; in other words everyone has to start somewhere. Also it is impotrant to remember that at the end of the day films are quite simply a piece of entertainment…no matter what people’s opinions of them.
Seriously? Ok, i mean the prequel trilogy is a load of pants but the original films? They are good films. Despite my feelings about A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back, I think that Return of the Jedi is worse than Attack of the Clones or Revenge of the Sith, I do tend to agree with you about Jar Jar Bings, who is arguably THE worst character EVER invented and i would gladly watch him die a slow and horrible death, but the actual overall storyline is brillaint. Far better than the american remakes of films such as Ring and Dawn of the Dead. Atleast Star Wars has some originality to it. As for your comments on The Empire Strikes Back it is a far supperior film to those godawful “horror” films of the last few years such as The Blair Witch Project; which i know for a fact is in your DVD collection. Also you seem to have forgotten that if Star Wars had not come about then perhaps the Indiana Jones films wouldn’t exist either; in other words everyone has to start somewhere. Also it is impotrant to remember that at the end of the day films are quite simply a piece of entertainment…no matter what people’s opinions of them.
You got to be crazy. Star Wars is the best movie ever. What’s the matter, you movie didn’t win. So sorry. The characters are great and we care about the characters. And yes maybe jar jar is a little strange but he does make you laugh at times. And really he only has a few lines in the Attack of the Clones and a couple of scenes in Revenge of the Sith so get off of it. I kinda like him but he’s not my favorite. The saga has a beginning and ending and it tells a complete story and it is not filled with a lot of gory violence and sex which 90% of the movies are. At least I can watch the movie without flinching. Just because your movie didn’t win, you think you can trash another, think again. Of course, that’s all you think about is how to tear another movie up. Well for me, I could care less about what you said because it isn’t important. GET A LIFE!
“What’s the matter? Your movie didn’t win?”
Jesus ….