There are lots of various celebrations that everyone gets roped into at various points of the year. In December, we remember the birthday of our lord Jesus Christ by forgetting to buy him a birthday cake with 2000+ candles in and instead buy our loved ones overpriced presents that they tend to take back on Boxing Day anyway.  

And on the note of Christian celebration, we also get to remember Jesus’ David Blaine-style trick of doing something relatively amazing, when he comes back from the dead every Easter. We celebrate this by giving each other chocolate eggs. Why? We don’t know and we can’t be arsed to Wikipedia it either. But the most pointless celebration of all is with us today, Valentine's Day. 

Now don’t get us wrong, here at hecklerspray we couldn’t do more to spread love and happiness around the world. Hell, it’s now compulsory to hug everyone at the start and end of a working day in the office. But we’re a bit confused as to why we have to show extra special love to our other halves on such a random day of the year. Problems arise for people on both ends of the spectrum. People in love are knackered and so are all the lonely souls out there, which include many of the staff at hecklerspray.

So you’re in love right? Do you get that funny feeling in your stomach when you look into the eyes of a loved one and every time a smile flickers across their face? Well, to anyone who has never had that feeling, it's just like going down The Big One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach right after eating a super-sized Burger King meal. But anyway, you’re in love and things are going fine and rosy, but today’s the day you’ve got to show your love. And how do you do that? Not through just saying “I love you.” Of course not, that would be too easy. Instead of the simple approach, you’ve got to go that extra mile.

In the run up to Valentine's Day, your other half will drop tiny hints of what they want. Like when your girlfriend 'accidentally' leaves pages of the Tiffany catalogue open for you to see you know what they want. Going to Argos for some fine plastic-looking gold tat jewelry won’t do this time. Add to the fact you’ll have to buy some roses – the flowers, not the chocolates (that’s what birthdays are for) champagne and take her for dinner. This also poses a problem – you need to plan ahead or all the fancy restaurants go quick. And this leaves a problem when, on the 13 February, you’re stuck with the choice of either that restaurant that gave everyone food poisoning last summer or the KFC.  Basically, it’s not a cheap day at all. Just be glad it's only once a year. 

If you’re free and single, then the day isn’t exactly all fun and excitement for you either. While everyone else around you is sending mushy text messages and phone calls, you're left feeling pretty shit about the lack of action you’ve been getting. What do you do about it? If you’re totally desperate, you can make a needy move on the fat bird on reception to see what she’s doing later. Or, like us, you could just go round the nearest mucky video shop and get yourself porn. You may not be getting it, but watching others doing it is just as good. 

Pretty much, if you’re in a relationship it’ll cost you stupid amounts of money to pointlessly prove your love and hide any illicit affairs you’ve had – and if you're single, you’ll feel shit because you're lonely and no-one will touch you with a barge pole.

Post-Valentine's Day, problems are also posed for various shops like Asda and Woolworths, who'll no doubt be waking up tomorrow to a mountain of unsold evil-looking teddy bear creations holding badly-made hearts saying “I love you.” But don't get us started on those…

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Kisses from us (unless you're ugly, we do have standards).