It’s fair to say that we are a planet of animal lovers and different nations have their own unique way of looking after various creatures.

In western civilisation, we often raise various animals from birth and look after them until they make that sad final visit to the vet or to the toilet to be flushed away.

Other countries in the Far East also have a love for our cuddly domestic pets. The slight difference here being that they prefer to serve them up on a bed of crunchy rocket salad drizzled in sweet and sour sauce.

In pet stakes, there are two major players when it comes to the nation’s number one pet. You’re either a cat or a dog person. Everyone has their favourite and hecklerspray is no exception. We will now sum up why dogs completely rule and why cats should piss off back to the corner they came out of.

So let’s cut to the chase. Why are dogs better then cats? Basically, cats are nothing more than arrogant creatures that swan around and try and do whatever they like.

Let them out the house and they’ll bugger off for days only returning with a dead rodent as some sort of gift for you. They do want they want and only come to you for food and their belly scratched. 

Fat people have benefited hugely from dogs and the government should pay attention to our lard-busting scheme. Dogs need a lot of exercise and always want walks so they can go on a new adventure to find somewhere new and exciting to shit and piss against.

If fat people were employed to walk dogs, not only would the overgrown porkers get some much needed exercise so they’d be able to see their own cock again, but you’d keep your dog happy avoid having Simon Cowell and the other RSPCA cronies round your gaff.  

Still unconvinced? Well we’d like to point out that dogs are significantly harder working animals than cats. After your eyesight goes, you’ll need someone to help you see again. You could get one of those sticks to clear the way for you, but the troubled youth of today with their ASBOs and cheap cider will only steal it from you.

So what do you need? A helper would be good, and we don’t mean the human kind who’ll raid your bank account. More and more people use guide dogs to help them in their everyday lives.

Do you see cats doing this? Of course you don’t, they’d be no good. They’d quickly get bored and go jump in a bush consequently confusing and scaring any blind person. 

Dogs are also used in another high-ranking job – the police force. When was the last time you saw a cat being used to sniff out a drug shipment that had been cut with Oxo cubes?

Never, that’s when. These hard-working creatures will never be out of a job with the police. Be it working on the bomb squad or biting the shit out of criminals who think two legs are quicker than four. 

Even the world of animation favours dogs over cats. The list is endless. Snoopy, Scooby Doo, Muttley and Hong Kong Phooey all kick ass. What would Garfield do? Something involving pasta, probably. Pasta. Don’t even get us started on Hello Kitty. This creepy looking Japanese creation only brings joy to its fans in the form of a very weird vibrator. Snoopy would never stoop that low. Well perhaps Snoop Dogg. 

You just have to look at a dog to know that they are the better of the two. What variety of cat do we have? Brown, black, ginger and white ones? Big whoop. Fair enough, you may have tigers and other big game cats, but leave one of those in a room with little Jimmy, and the results may not end peacefully. In the dog world the critters come in all shapes and sizes to capture our hearts and make us go “aww”. Yes, even us.

From floppy-eared Bassett hounds to the very distinct looking Dalmatian, each of these breeds has their own quality. Something that a cat can’t offer. Can you put one of them in a competition that involves training it to its potential? Of course not. 

Even God knows that dogs rule supreme. Obviously his favourite animal, he named himself after his creation. Calling himself Tac would just be stupid and sounds like the name of some Jamaican street gang who’ve just settled in Liverpool. Argue with God and you’re going straight to hell. Which we can only assume is filled with cats.

We’ll let you know when we get there.