You don't need to know a whole lot about Malibu except that it's something that slappers drink and that Mel Gibson thinks she owns it after he's had a drink or two – but there's so much more to Malibu than that.
For instance, call a jumped-up neighbourhood watch meeting in Malibu and all sorts of celebrities turn up to waggle their fists about like the elderly at a local council meeting. Exhibit A is a recent protest about a government plan to build an offshore liquefied natural gas station 14 miles off the coast of Malibu – among the celebrities who showed up to look angry and go "Bah" a lot were Pierce Brosnan, Daryl Hannah, Ted Danson, Halle Berry, Cindy Crawford, David Duchovny, Tea Leoni, Minnie Driver, Jane Seymour, Roma Downey, Mark Burnett, Daniel Stern, Gabrielle Reece and Kenny G, who may or may not utilise his talent for being the most annoying musician to have ever graced the face of the earth to halt the gas station work by blowing on his horn until the workers all drown themselves.
Thanks to its prime location in quite a nice place in the world, more exciting celebrity news happens in Malibu than, say, Wiltshire. When Mel Gibson got drunk and slagged off all the fucking Jews, it happened in Malibu. When Britney Spears temporarily decided to go Hindu, she did it in Malibu. When, um, Shannen Doherty crashed her car, she did it Malibu. See? That's literally three things that have happened in Malibu. And they've all been topped by this.
When bitter former James Bond Pierce Brosnan heard about the American government's plans to build a potentially ecology-damaging liquefied natural gas (LNG) station off the coast of his home, he did what any self-respecting actor would – he thought about making a film about a brave middle-aged Irish man who fights the government's environment-destroying policies while stirring music plays in the background. No he didn't – there wasn't enough time to write a script self-important enough. So instead he just got a load of his famous mates round for a bit of a protest. If you ever wondered what minor filmstars sound like when they're narked, you're in luck. First is Pierce Brosnan himself:
"I've lived here for 23 years, and I find it terrifying and kind of rather sinister—this gas terminal they want to put out here. I am really concerned about my own backyard here and along the California coastline. It's a big coastline and a big backyard. This has been creeping in quietly into our community. Not many people know about it. This could have disastrous consequences if they do build it."
And now Ted Danson. You know, Ted Danson from Cheers:
"It burns my ass they pick Oxnard, thinking it's a little small community, and they won't have the wherewithal to stand up and fight. That irritates me. Hugely."
And Tea Leoni, from… um… oh. Tea Leoni from Fun With Dick And Jane:
"I don't think it's so much LNG on its own is the evil property, or that this is Malibu saying, 'not in our backyard,' It doesn't appear to be a great alternative. And I think until they could assure all of us this is something that is going to work and be right for the environment, not here. No. Not anywhere. Forget it."
And Halle Berry, of thinking Chris Moyles is a racist fame:
"If one of these gets passed, you're sure there will be other ones that will affect other people in other areas. We have to use our voices and band together and stop this."
Or, you know, get it shifted to somewhere where the people are a bit uglier and the houses are cheaper. Something like that.
Read more:
Brosnan, Berry, Hannah, Join Coast Guard – E! Online
[story by Stuart Heritage]