Some celebrities are basically grown ass babies living an endless cycle of the Terrible Twos. If it isn’t Kanye West bitching, it’s Chris Brown whining about not being understood and praised as he deserves.
Interview after interview it’s “Woe is me” and “Everybody is just so mean to me for no reason.” Except there is a reason, actually there are multiple reasons that Brown gets shit on a lot, and unlike what he seems to think, it’s for a lot more than just giving his former girlfriend a black eye and a busted lip.
Not only does he still not take full responsibility for treating Rihanna’s face like a handheld pinata, but he just continues to ooze an arrogance and lack of self awareness that is rivaled by few in the industry. And he is just a total prick on top it.
So, since there are still editors out there who want to waste money and time, and include interviews with douchebags in their magazines, Chris Brown recently sat down with The Guardian for a little bullshit time. And once again, instead of being grateful for the attention or interest still in him, Brown goes from bored, to agitated, to conceited, and back all in the matter of one article.
Sounding like a felon-less Kanye, Chris starts the interview by saying that if not for “the incident” with Rihanna, he’d be bigger than life.
“Well, I would say I’m an inspirational guidelines book. You can take my life story or scenarios or songs and relate to them, and apply them to your everyday life. You know, whether it be personal or musical, I just think I’m a walking art piece, just a ball of creativity.”
Totally true. After I eat my Cheerios in the morning, I always go “WWCBD?” and that helps me decide what I shall do that day. For example, my dinner decided to be a little bitch the other day and not come out tasting like the way I demanded it taste, so I took a little page out of the Brown Bible and smashed that shit to teach it some respect. That busted pot now knows it’s place and will never burn my rice again, that’s for damn sure.
The interview then takes a stroll down This Explains So Much alley when Brown discusses losing his virginity at 8 years old. 8. To a 14 or 15 year old girl. I don’t even get how that works because every 8 year old I ever come across is way more into Legos and Transformers than vagina and condoms. But Chris says his cousins and he watched porn over Power Rangers, and he is proud of what legally would be considered sexual assault. Brown feels it prepped him to be the Ladies Man he is today.
“By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them; I wasn’t afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it. But you know how Prince had a lot of girls back in the day? Prince was, like, the guy. I’m just that, today. But most women won’t have any complaints if they’ve been with me. They can’t really complain. It’s all good.”)
Well, I guess this must confirm why Rihanna chose to go back to the guy who turned her face into abstract art. Because it sure as hell isn’t his sweet demeanor or sensitive nature.
Brown then continues his streak of having no humility by bragging about how smart he was as a child and how he basically is the only person he needs to thank when he thinks about his path to becoming famous.
“No, I think control, I definitely had that under wraps. I would pick the songs, write the treatments for the videos and co-direct them, but people didn’t know it because I would always give the director his credit and say I don’t need a co-directing credit. But actually I started getting behind the camera more, every video, the concepts, how the video’s coming together, what it’s about. I’ve always had that creative side.”
Aww, isn’t he such a sweetheart? These silly video directors didn’t see they had a little genius hoodlum in their midst! Those fools.
Brown then does some more bitching about his community service. The singer was supposed to do 1000 hours after “the incident” which he claimed to finish in a timely manner. But then it came out, shocking no one, that Brown took the punishment just as seriously as his crime- not at all. And again, instead of showing any remorse for his own fuck up, he bitches that the DA is out to get him. Yes, because the DA made you sucker punch your girlfriend. The DA totally forced you to lie about doing your community service and make up hours and shit. It was probably the DA that made Brown’s arm tattoo of a face magically appear to look like Rihanna’s post fight face. It originally looked like an Asian man! That DA is a mother fucking ninja wizard. The world should be scared.
The interview starts to come to an end, so they do a little talking about his new album, in which Brown kind of incoherently describes the music and the title. It makes little fucking sense, but then again that’s how I feel about the fact that people are still buying his shit, so it all comes full circle. The interview ends with Brown declaring that his favorite line is “Fuck you.”
Right back at ya.