Hecklerspray HQ is bedecked with bunting, scotch eggs and old Vera Lynn LPs today because it’s Commonwealth Day, and we’re certainly not ones to let old, slightly embarrassing imperialist celebrations go without some form of commemoration.

We’re not the only ones celebrating Commonwealth Day today – the Queen is also doing her bit to remind a third of the world’s population that a crinkly old woman in a pink jacket is still their boss. This year, however, the Queen will deviate slightly from her usual Commonwealth Day celebrations – standing atop a vast pile of dead and dying Commonwealth members, with a disemboweled lung hoisted in the air with one hand and screaming “I’m in charge! I’m in charge! You people belong to ME!” into a loudhailer in front of the world’s media – by going to church and basically just professing her love for Shilpa Shetty a lot.