Quickly, name three interesting things about Eva Mendes! Boobs! Rehab! Er…

Can’t do it, can you? That’s because there are only two interesting things about Eva Mendes – her boobs and that time she went to rehab. And it’s a good job that Eva Mendes enjoys getting her boobs out so frequently, because she’s buggered if she’s telling us anything about rehab.

In the latest issue of Interview magazine, Eva Mendes has decided to ‘neither confirm nor deny’ rumours about why she checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility earlier this year. One rumour, possibly started by Eva herself, is that she only went to rehab to research a role. We’ll see how true that is once we’ve worked out whether her next film is about a dreary old self-absorbed tosspot ot not.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to suspect that celebrities only go to rehab so that they can yammer on and on and on about that time they went to rehab for months and months afterwards.

And the best thing about this theory – other than it being undeniably true – is that the celebrities all have completely individual ways of it. Some apologise to fans on the internet, some quickly deny that anything was wrong with the in them first place, and if you’re really lucky you might get an explanation in the form of Lohan tit-semaphore.

But, anyway, the formula’s becoming so worn lately that we’re all getting a bit bored of having to listen to these egomaniac celebrities drawing attention to themselves by explaining why they ended up in rehab. So hats off to Eva Mendes – she’s decided to draw attention to herself by not explaining why she ended up in rehab.

Earlier this year you’ll remember that Eva Mendes suddenly went to rehab. It was a shock to hear about, because usually the only celebrities who go to rehab are the ones with out of control personalities, as opposed to no discernible personalities whatsoever.

But why did Eva Mendes go to rehab? Was it personal problems, as the official statement suggested at the time? Substance abuse problems? An addiction to starring in bad Nicolas Cage films? Well guess what – you’re never going to know. Eva Mendes is a notoriously private person and she dislikes revealing anything about herself, as she told Interview magazine in the giant interview that accompanied the enormous close-up covershoot she did for it:

“There are so many lies out there regarding my recent trip to Cirque Lodge. But I don’t care what people think. I just don’t care. So I will neither confirm or deny… You want it to be a lie, because when it’s true, that’s when I’d be like, ‘Oh, my God!’ It’s time to rethink who’s in your circle, because stuff got out.”

What? That’s no fun! Come on Eva Mendes, either confirm or deny that you went to rehab! We need to know, because we’ve invested in your career as an actress, and if you’re not honest with us we’ll be less inclined to believe your portrayal of Lead Generic Latina Slapper in whatever the hell your next film is. It’s your duty!