Eurovision Betting Odds 2007: Slovenia, Spain, Sweden

***Eurovision liveblog HERE Saturday 8pm*** 

The Eurovision Song Contest is now so close that we can actually smell it. It's not a pleasant smell - it smells mostly like burnt human hair - but if we can smell it, it means you should probably be placing a bet or two on it.

One country you might not want to bet on is Israel. Their Eurovision representatives Teapacks are threatening to pull out of the competition because they seem to think that the Eurovision organisers are censoring their song about nuclear war. Fingers crossed for a peaceful resolution to the matter, because the Israeli entry is such a cack-handed mess that you'd all be very disappointed if it wasn't on the telly.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Slovenia, Spain and Sweden, with help from Paddy Power…

Slovenia (pop. 2,011,070; a coastal sub-alpine country in southern central Europe) Alenka Gotar, Cvet Z Juga

You know what we were thinking the other day? That there's not enough bloody opera in Eurovision, that's what. So thank baby Jesus for Slovenia for letting Alenka Gotar represent them at Eurovision, since she seems to be labouring under the impression that the sight of a slightly plain girl warbling like Leslie Garrett doing a bungee jump while a gaggle of weirdos do some chair-based interpretive dance behind her is the path to Eurovision glory. But don't worry if you don't like opera, because Alenka's song Cvet Z Juga has a sort of irritating disco beat to it too. So something for everyone, then. Or should that be something for nobody. Lyrically, Cvet Z Juga is so deep and complex that there isn't even an English translation, but that's beside the point - Alenka Gotar cannot win Eurovision. If nothing else, think of all the bad mid-European opera songs you'll have to sit through next year if she does. Current Eurovision betting odds - 16/1

Spain (pop. 43,197,684; a country located in southwest Europe) D'Nash, I Love You Mi Vida

Now, we're no experts in Spanish, but doesn't I Love You Mi Vida translate as I Love You My Life? What kind of idiotic numbskull figured that getting four blandly good-looking boys - possibly on a day off from their day jobs as catalogue models - to sing about how wonderful their own lives are would be a Eurovision winner? Bastards, the lot of them. God knows who D'Nash actually are, but by Christ are they shit. I Love You Mi Vida is possibly the worst song in the entire Eurovision Song Contest this year. Part It's Raining Men, part lousy D-grade techno, part knuckle-chewingly awful boyband choreography, I Love You Mi Vidi stumbles on for 11 stultifying verses. Lyrically I Love You Mi Vida isn't just stupid, it's also factually incorrect. "Babe, come to me/ Like the scorpion you are/ And enchant me with your bite." Scorpions don't bite; they sting. You fucking idiots. Current Eurovision betting odds - 40/1

Sweden (pop. 9,006,405; a Nordic country in Scandinavia) The Ark, The Worrying Kind

Long before we started these Eurovision betting odds, Sweden's entry had already been earmarked as a potential Eurovision winner. And, for once, we can totally see why. Most of this year's Eurovision songs have been either angry rock ballads about death or painfully unfunny joke songs, and that's not what Eurovision is all about. Eurovision is all about songs like The Worrying Kind by The Ark. Songs that start with preposterous firework displays. Songs by bands who sound equally like The Velvet Underground and the musical Hair. Songs that are so dementedly good natured and guileless that they become completely critic-proof. Songs that don't care if they're glam-rock boogie songs with lines like "Moves, I like to make them/ Grooves, I like to shake them." Songs that don't know the meaning of the word 'irony'. Songs sung by men with mirrors instead of chest hair. Songs that, well, OK, do sound a little bit like Showaddywaddy now you come to mention it. The Worrying Kind by The Ark is ridiculous in the best sense possible. Current Eurovision betting odds - 7/1

Tomorrow - Eurovision betting odds for Switzerland and Turkey. But if that's too long to wait - or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with - head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.