We’re going to start doubling up on these Eurovision profiles again. Not because we made a fundamental calculation error, but because we love you.

What’s the big Eurovision news of the day? Only that bloody rehearsals have started in Moscow. And from these we can tell you that the woman from the Ukraine is a dirty girl, that the girl from Albania is energetic and sexy and the man from Lithuania is a git. You’re welcome, readers.

Anyway, here are the Eurovision 2009 rundowns for Elena Gheorghe from Romania and Anastasiya Prykhodko from Russia…

Romania · Elena Gheorghe, The Balkan Girls

Before we go any further, we’d just like to make it clear that Balkan girls are lovely. Almost embarrassingly lovely. And intelligent. Intelligent and lovely. But The Balkan Girls, the Romanian Eurovision entry this year, is the exact opposite of that. It’s stupid and whatever the opposite of lovely is. It’s less of a song and more something you’d hear a pimp chant outside a grotty Bucharest brothel – “The Balkan girls they like to party like nobody, like nobody/ For crowd delight, we’ll shine all night,” it goes, and it doesn’t stop until it’s broken you down and you agree to get a miserable cut-price handjob off one of them. Also, rhyming ‘kiss’ and ‘prince’ is beyond ridiculous. And no amount of writhing models in a pop video is ever going to change that.

Russia · Anastasiya Prykhodko, Mamo

About now, Russia is probably starting to realise that hosting the Eurovision Song Contest isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There’s the cost of the operation to deal with, not to mention the vast, life-draining pointlessness of it all. The old aversion of wanting to win Eurovision again is probably the reason why Russia has decided to enter Anastasiya Prykhodko this year – a funny-looking woman with a voice that, let’s not beat around the bush here, sounds like a man. And it’s also the reason why Mamo has no discernible melody to speak of. Still, Mamo does have one thing going for it -  two minutes in, Anastasiya hits one massive sustained note. So, if nothing else, at least we know what she’d sound like if she fell down a well. See? We’re all about the positive.

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