Time for another exciting look at the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest! EXCITING!

You know what? Let’s mix up this Eurovision rundown with a few fun Eurovision facts and figures. Here’s the first one – German songwriter and composer Ralph Siegel took part 18 times, often together with Bernd Meinunger. Exciting! EXCITING FACTS!

Anyway, here’s our Eurovision 2009 profile for Petr Elfimov of Belarus…

Belarus · Petr Elfimov, Eyes That Never Lie

Well obviously eyes never lie, Petr, because they can’t speak. We think you meant either ‘Mouth That Never Lies’ or ‘Eyes That Don’t Form Globs Of Conjunctivitis In Your Sleep.’ Remember that for next time, please. Not that it matters, of course, because Petr Elfimov is bound to do well at Eurovision – thanks to his regular participation in the Soviet comedy show (and we’re not making this up) Club of the Happy and Inventive, the entire Eastern Bloc knows who he is. Which is just as well because, sweet mother of mercy, the poor sod needs all the help he can get. Cursed with the most unfortunate haircut in the history of mankind, Petr also dresses like a man from the 1970s version of the future and sings blindingly dreadful songs. The final verse of Eyes That Never Lie goes “Oh, my darling angel/ Guide me through despair in the sky.” And, impossibly, the music manages to be even more overblown. Genuinely staggering. And not in a good way.

Tomorrow: Belguim’s Eurovision entry. Advance warning – it will break your head.

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