Two big pieces of Eurovision news for you today. First, there was a Eurovision semi-final yesterday. Who was eliminated?

All sorts of crap, that’s who. And so who went through to the final? Again, all sorts of crap. This is Eurovision, you dimwit. Our second piece of news is much better – we’re liveblogging Eurovision on Saturday. Have we mentioned that already? Well tough, because we are. And you should probably read it on Saturday too. Because, let’s face it, you’ll have nothing better to do.

Here’s the Eurovision 2009 profile for Hadise, who’ll be representing Turkey…

Turkey · Hadise, Düm Tek Tek (Crazy for You)

What’s the word we’re looking for here? We’re trying to describe Hadise, and the right word seems just out of our grasp. So let’s go with either ‘HELLO!’ or ‘BADOING!’ instead. Hadise, you see, is beautiful. Preposterously beautiful. So beautiful that we want to keep her in a box and hug the base of the box in the foetal position for the rest of our lives. We love her. We actually love her. And we saw her first, so back off anyone who’s more handsome or wealthy or charming than us. We’re quite prepared to fight you. Anyway, Hadise is so unstoppably beautiful that we’re definitely voting for her during Saturday’s Eurovision. Which is a shame because her song Düm Tek Tek (Crazy for You) is sort of rubbish. But she’s hardly likely to marry us if we don’t vote for her, is she? No she’s not. So shut up.

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