Eric Dane Sex Tape: The Completely Unnecessary Response
Imagine that you’re Eric Dane. You’re responsible for the dullest, most pointless, sex-free sex tape in history.
What do you do? Easy – you shut up about it. Because your sex tape is so bland and incident-free that if anyone manages to watch all of it without repeatedly slapping themselves in the face to stop them from lapsing into a boredom-induced coma, they deserve a medal. It’s so tedious that everyone will forget about it within days. So that’s what you do.
Or, if you’re Eric Dane, you release a statement and draw everyone’s attention to it all over again. Obviously.
By all respects, the Eric Dane sex tape furore shouldn’t have happened. There isn’t any sex in it for starters – just three morons babbling about themselves, apparently on drugs. Also, Eric Dane is a star of Grey’s Anatomy, so the only people who know who he is are fans of Grey’s Anatomy – and what would they do with a sex tape? They like gormless soapy plotlines and bedwetter indie music, not nudity. From what we heard, nobody who likes Grey’s Anatomy even has any human genitals to speak of, anyway – they’ve all just got smooth flesh-coloured nubs there instead.
However, there are a couple of things stopping the Eric Dane sex tape from disappearing into the file marked ‘Things We Never Want To See, Hear Or Think Of Again For The Benefit Of Our Mental Well-Being’. These are:
1 - If reports are to be believed, it isn’t just an Eric Dane sex tape any more – it’s an Eric Dane sex tape starring Aaron Carter’s ex-fiancée that was apparently stolen by Mindy McCready, everyone’s favourite suicide-attempting country singer turned nervous breakdown extraordinaire. It’s basically a Lohan or two away from being an almanac of everything that’s wrong with the world.
2 - Eric Dane won’t shut up about it.
Seriously, he won’t. Instead of letting the sex tape drift away to join other forgotten gems like Colin Farrell’s sex tape and that picture of Charlotte from Sex And The City with a willy in her mouth, Eric Dane is determined to make his lawyer keep bringing the poxy thing up every couple of hours. Access Hollywood reports:
“Although the participants are nude, the tape is not a ‘sex tape.’ It is a private tape made for only my clients’ personal use,” attorney Marty Singer said in a statement to Access. “If anyone exploits the tape, they will be violating my clients’ rights and will be exposed to significant liability.”
OK, OK, we get it – the Eric Dane sex tape is the private property of its stars and if it’s used anywhere without their consent they run the risk of facing legal action. Jeez, we understand already. True, it’ll be a blow to the websites who were planning to host the tape – such as www.grossoldmenondrugs.com and www.thingsthatareimpossibletomasturbateto.com – but there’s no need to keep shoving it down our throats.
However, there are a couple of things stopping the Eric Dane sex tape from disappearing into the file marked ‘Things We Never Want To See, Hear Or Think Of Again For The Benefit Of Our Mental Well-Being’. These are: