England’s Glory? WE ARE THE TV PIRATES OF THE WORLD!

Britain - let’s face it - is not great at very much. Where once we could hold our heads high and say that this was the birthplace of Darwin, Dickins and Churchill, who do we have for heroes now? Ellen MacArthur, a woman who can sail right round the world, all by herself, but still manages to appear less interesting than Steve Ryder? Or Paula Radcliffe, a woman who actually admits to shitting in her knickers during marathons and other race events?

Our country has not topped any charts - except the ‘Who Hates Asylum Seekers The Most’ one - for such a long time that we’re starting to lack direction.

America is more powerful than us, and Europe is far more sophisticated. If only we were good at something. If only…

Well, hecklerspray’s got news for you, reader. There is something we Brits kick ass at. That’s right: we are world beaters at illegally downloading TV shows off the internet.

We should be congratulated, not just for sticking it to the suits, but for our impeccable taste. The type of shows that are being downloaded most often are proof that we’re finally sick of seeing the arse that’s spoonfed into our eyes.

Not surprisingly, no makeover shows were downloaded in any great quantity. That’s good - TV producers have now officially made over every house, office and person in the whole country. Twice.

Similarly, nobody showed any interest in the ‘Top 100′ format of programme. No Top 100 Hits Of The Eighties, no Top 100 Greatest War Films, no Top 100 Animals Having A Slash On A Newsreader.

So, what are we watching? Fantastic shows, thats what. Like the implausable genius of 24 or The Sopranos.

Even relatively new shows are being found and watched. The greatest TV in the world right now is Lost, a drama about survivors of a plane crash living on an island that they share with shadowy, creepy strangers and (possibly) an angry dinosaur. In the first episode alone, a guy gets sucked through a jet engine. And amazingly, it gets better!

Joey has been downloaded a lot too. That’s hardly classic TV, but still preferable to another repeat of Only Fools And Horses. Yes, even the one where he falls through the fucking bar.

So, people of Britain, pat yourselves on the back. We’re never going to host the Olympics, but we can steal with the best of them (a new Olympic event, perchance?).

Chin chin!