Eminem To Stop Murdering His Ex-Wife In Songs

As well as marrying, divorcing and remarrying his ex-wife Kim every other day like some kind of OCD wedding cake freak, Eminem mainly fills his spare time with writing and performing songs about how much he likes murdering his ex-wife Kim.

Or at least that's what Eminem used to do - yesterday morning Eminem and Kim Mathers went to court to enter into a parental cooperation pact, effectively prohibiting both of them from trash-talking one another in public for the benefit of Hailie Jade, their 11-year-old daughter. As far as we can see, this parental cooperation pact means that Eminem can no longer perform songs about throwing Kim into the boot of his car and then stabbing her to death while screaming "BLEED, BITCH, BLEED!" before dumping her body in a lake, while Kim Mathers will no longer be able to quietly mutter about the way that Eminem used to cut his toenails in bed - so it all pretty much evens out.

The story of Eminem and Kim Mathers is a lot like Romeo and Juliet, only with Romeo's balcony soliloquy replaced with a fairly graphic speech about all the disturbing ways that Romeo wants to murder Juliet, followed by Romeo going on tour and smashing up a doll of Juliet with a baseball bat in front of thousands of people each night. Actually, scrap that - Eminem and Kim aren't like Romeo and Juliet at all. We meant that they got married a bunch of times.

Before Eminem got all obsessed by Mariah Carey, there was Kim. Eminem and Kim were happily married until, one day, they got divorced in a flurry of apparent suicide attempts and pistol-whip court cases. But the story of Eminem has a happy ending because in December 2005 Eminem said he was back with Kim again and the couple were married one month later. That happy ending ended less than three months later, though, when Eminem and Kim decided to get divorced again.

Give or take some messy mediation, the finalisation of the divorce and a thankfully untrue report about Eminem and Kim getting married again, that's where we are now. But the thing is, Eminem and Kim won't stop slagging each other off in public. Eminem has his 'Kim: Rot In Pieces' tattoo and all kinds of songs about how much he enjoys murdering Kim, while Kim - a noticeably less gifted wordsmith than Eminem - keeps going on the radio to tell everyone what a small cock Eminem has got. But that's all in the past, because Eminem and Kim Mathers yesterday decided to enter into a parental cooperation pact stopping either one of them being mean to the other in public for the sake of their daughter Hailie Jade. E! Online reports:

Eminem, aka Marshall Mathers, had filed a motion requesting the verbal truce in Macomb County Circuit Court, claiming he was concerned about all the mud-slinging he had endured at the hands of his former missus, including recent TV and radio interviews in which she said that there is "nothing positive" between Eminem and Hailie… [Kim] Mathers appeared in court Monday for a hearing, during which she spoke to Eminem in a teleconference, after which the two signed the parental cooperation order which states that the two must refrain from making public disparaging remarks about each other.

That's OK for Kim - most people wouldn't be able to pick her out of a line-up - but Eminem not being able to publicly talk trash about Kim? That's his entire act. You know what an Eminem concert will consist of now he can't hurl abuse at his ex-wife any more? That Mexican song about Eminem's penis making a noise like a spring, that's what. Or worse - a relentless onslaught of those toe-curling 'Daddy loves you' tunes. We just hope it's not too late to get the order overturned in the name of public interest.

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Eminem & Kim Change Their Tune - E! Online