Like Jesus, Elvis Presley died for our sins. Unlike Jesus, though, Elvis did this by trying to crap out a turd as big as a baby’s head, thus allowing someone to steal his gun 30 years after he died.

Yesterday the world of Elvis Presley fandom went as white as an XXXXXXL sequined jumpsuit when it was revealed that someone had snuck into the Elvis After Dark exhibit at Graceland during last week’s 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death and stole one of Elvis’s prized handguns. However, a Graceland cleaner has found the gun in a toilet and returned it to its rightful home. It’s thought that whoever stole Elvis Presley’s gun from Graceland did so because they wanted to use it to pay the most fitting tribute to Elvis possible – deep-frying it, covering it in six inches of peanut butter, studding it with Codine and Quaaludes and wolfing it down like a fat little piggy.