Because hecklerspray hasn’t turned itself into a print publication that you can physically hold and lick yet, we can rest assured that you’ll be reading this off a computer. Or if you’re really fancy, one of those new fangled mobile phones that have the internet on them.

Unfortunately, if you aren’t reading this off the latter it sadly means that you’re going to be off Elton John’s Christmas card list this year. You see, the cake-munching pianist has thrown a hissy fit about the internet and wants it banned.  

But why the fuss over something that is now integrated into most of our daily lives? Well of course if Elton John is whining about something, it has to be connected to him in some tedious way. In true diva style, he blames the internet for destroying so-called good music and letting shit music filter through. For once we can almost agree with a ridiculous statement made by someone famous – after all, the internet invented MySpace and MySpace gave us Lily Allen.

We all know and love Elton John for his outspoken and comical views on life. It’s not even the first time that he’s taken on something that he doesn’t stand a chance of beating. Not so long ago he dictated how others should dress and also took on religion which would have been the fight of the century. Even when he was in power, ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair couldn’t find the courage to ban Elton John, but the country of Tobago did. Probably because they strongly disapprove of men downing the brown and not sinking the pink. And by 'downing the brown', we don’t mean eating statues of yourself made out of chocolate.  

So now it seems that Elton has found a new enemy. An enemy that only connects billions of people around the world. Now don’t get the man wrong, he’s OK with you sending the odd e-mail, but when it comes to something like blogging music then it’s a whole different kettle of fish for the rocket man. Elton claims: 

“The internet has stopped people from going out and being with each other, creating stuff.” 

Um… last time we checked, there were still people outside walking around while children played in the garden. Obviously Elton John is a tiny bit behind the times. Especially technological ones as in the past he has been quoted as saying: 

“I am the biggest technophobe of all time. I don’t have a mobile phone or an iPod or anything.” 

That’s like us saying we are biggest experts on 18th century Russian literature. Quite frankly for a person to stream one of his own gigs via the internet, calling yourself a technophobe is a little bit hypocritical. Actually we like the sound of a streamed Elton John concert – it saves us spending £356.54 on a single gig ticket to see a fat balding man pound a piano for a bit, plus it also means you can leave when you get bored. Which wouldn’t take long. We doubt Elton John shows would be like Akon’s where children get tossed off live on stage. 

Now we're going to go and console Elton John's hatred of bloggers by ordering £10,000 worth of flowers and arrange them in the fur of cute abandoned kittens and puppies. We expect Elton John’s next big hissy fit to be against either a) the blind for getting in his way, b) clouds for constantly raining and ruining summer or c) anyone who isn’t called Elton John. 

Read more: 

Why We Must Close The Net - The Sun