Here's a tip – if any of you don't feel like going to work next week, why not just phone up your boss and tell him you gave a dog to a hairdresser and it all went wrong and boo hoo hoo, because it's scored Ellen DeGeneres a long weekend.
Following Ellen Degeneres' tearful breakdown this week over the way an animal rescue centre wouldn't let Ellen fob off her rescued pet dog Iggy to a hairdresser after less than a month of taking care of it – and the subsequent death-threats that the owner of the care home received from legions of slightly odd daytime TV viewers – Ellen DeGeneres has cancelled the taping of two Ellen editions scheduled to be broadcast today and Monday. Rest assured, though, this will be the last Ellen DeGeneres speaks on the matter and she'll be back on Tuesday with her trademark mix of celebrity guests, witty banter and awkward protracted sobbing tantrums about how sad Ellen got when she saw a badger fall over once.
Famous people love dogs, thanks to the way dogs are loyal and happy and inherently unable to scream "For God's sake! Stop bleating on about yourself all the time, you self-important dickhead!" like most humans do. Joss Stone loves dogs and Paris Hilton loves dogs and, although Whoopi Goldberg sort of advocates dog murder, she probably loves dogs a bit too. Dogs, you see, are the tiny furry children that don't chew on your tit or grow up to disown you.
And nobody loves dogs as much as Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres loves dogs so much that she recently adopted one, paid to have it neutered, forced a vet to sleep in the same bed as the recently-neutered pet and then took it to her house. Only a few days later Ellen DeGeneres decided she didn't want the dog after all, so she ditched it and gave it to her hairdresser. But then the animal rescue centre heard about it, realised that Ellen had broken her contract by getting rid of her dog after such a short amount of time and took the dog back. That's what prompted Ellen DeGeneres' alarming dog-based tantrum on her TV show this week.
It's thanks to Ellen DeGeneres not realising that the contract only existed to stop owners from cruelly shunting their already-traumatised dogs from pillar to post every time they got a bit bored with them that the tantrum has caused a legion of Ellen-crazed animal lovers to hurl all sorts of death threats at the people who love animals enough to rescue them for a living. Plainly it's all got a bit out of hand, and that's why Ellen DeGeneres has decided to skip work and take a long weekend. The Associated Press reports:
Ellen DeGeneres' talk show was put on hold for a day because of her emotionally wrenching dog-adoption drama. "It's been a long week and a tough week and we decided to take a long weekend and be back on Tuesday," said Laura Mandel, a spokeswoman for Telepictures Productions, which produces "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." DeGeneres was scheduled Thursday to tape shows to air Friday and Monday. Instead, the tapings were canceled and reruns featuring Jessica Alba and Queen Latifah will air on those days. A new show is planned Tuesday.
But by Tuesday Ellen DeGeneres will be completely back to her usual self, because she's vowed that she won't mention this tiresome dog-based saga on air any more until she gets Iggy the dog returned to the hairdresser and her family – but only on the proviso that she's allowed to collapse wailing to the floor and have a ground-punching sobbing fit any time a guest on her show mentions dogs, doggies, hot-dogs, underdogs, puppies, Hush Puppies, Slush Puppies, The Puppini Sisters, Iggy, Iggy Pop, Iggy And The Stooges, igloos, Iggle Piggle from In The Night Garden, canines, Canisius College, K-9, K-911, K-Y jelly, jelly babies, Baby Got Back or Ravey Davey the Rabies Baby.
As for us, this'll be the last article we're posting until next week. We gave our guinea pig to tramp and now we can't stop crying, you see.
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Marlisa says
I love the Ellen Degeneres show but she was wrong cause would you give your child away if one doesnt get along with the other one so boo hoo to Ellen
JBollocks says
I hope “forced a vet to sleep in the same bed as the recently-neutered vet” was a typo, cause otherwise I’m going to have nightmares.