Sometimes a website has to take justice into its own hands. And when said justice-taking website hears something particularly horrible – like say evil doctors forcing teenage puppies to get abortions or something – then that website has no alternative but to act.
And so it is hecklerspray found itself arming friends and family with pitchforks, baseball bats and those giant foam fingers that are just perfect for pointing out other people's shame.
Those fingers really are perfect for that.
As we were saying, when we first heard that a team of nazi-communist scientists from hell broke into Ellen DeGeneres' house and forcefully took her puppy to experiment thereon, we were enraged. And then we realised it wasn't a team of devil-worshipping scientists as we'd originally imagined – it was an animal shelter taking back what they viewed as theirs. When we found out we were like 'Oh, let's not kill them. Yet.'
Other people are more eager to slay the enemies of Ellen. That's why one of the head honchos of the pet-saving organisation has received so many death threats since DeGeneres' wacky on-air plea.
You remember when we told you yesterday about Ellen's satellite transmission dog-related breakdown? It had something to do with her paying a doctor to sleep with a freshly neutered dog. Bestiality wasn't the intent though. Not at all. Not even a little. Dogs are gross anyway.
Ellen had adopted a pooch, but then decided to give it to the family of a hairdresser. When the pet-adoption service that gave Ellen the dog found out she'd paid the puppy forward, they reclaimed the dog as their own and Ellen was devastated. That's why she cried, whined and sobbed on her show.
Well many of Ellen's loyal viewers, apparently, don't like to see their girl dripping snot uncontrollably. That's why they went through the trouble of tracking down the owners of the pet-agency and placing calls to them on at least two phone lines. Oh, and those calls threatened the people with none other than death. Doesn't sound fun, right? This is what Marina Baktis, one of the death threat receivers, said of the matter:
"This is horrible. I rescue dogs. I can't believe this. I haven't eaten, I'm sick and I've had heart palpitations."
There you have it. The death threats are effecting this nice lady's circulatory system. The madness has gotta stop. And as soon as the nice lady leaves $1,000,000 in unmarked tens and twenties on the green park bench at 4:00 it will.
Any park will do.
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JBollocks says
Ah, ignorance and fuck-headed celebrities, ain’t life grand?
Unless you look after stray animals for a living.
Let me be the first to say in this blog. Ellen, I hope you rot in hell, ignorance really is not an excuse.
(Oh yeah, Shawn, that’s “affecting” her heart system not “effecting”, unless you consider that death threats are required for Marina’s heart to beat in a timely fashion)
Adam Gade says
It really makes no sense. You’d think the dog lovers would be angry at Ellen for being to stupid to realize this wouldn’t work and then giving the dog a pink slip.
In other news, looks like we have another budding grammar Nazi in JB. Aha, nice to see Gilbert having an apprentice. You were JoelB, right?
JBollocks says
Yes, I was JoelB, but JBollocks suits my personality better!