Elisabeth Hasselbeck To Stay As The View’s Offensively Shrill Harpy

Can you imagine The View without Elisabeth Hasselbeck? It’d just be four women babbling topical abuse over the top of each other and- oh wait.

No, that’s what The View is now. Actually, come to think of it, The View would be pretty much identical regardless of whether Elisabeth Hasselbeck was on it or not. But that’s nobody’s concern any more, because Elisabeth Hasselbeck has pledged her future to The View after a few days of on-screen bickering and off-screen uncertainty.

This is undoubtedly a good thing -  Elisabeth Hasselbeck fulfills an important role on The View. No, not as the sole conservative voice on the panel, but as the woman you secretly fancy even though you violently disagree with every single thing she’s ever said in the whole of her life. Who else would fill that role? Whoopi Goldberg? Yeek.

This has to rank as one of the worst weeks of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s life. First of all Elisabeth’s arch-enemy Rosie O’Donnell got her own primetime TV show on NBC, which Hasselbeck should really take as a personal insult on the scale of having her nose wiped in runny dogmuck.

And then, worse still, Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s future on The View was called into question. As an out and proud Republican a month before a general election, it was reported that Elisabeth was becoming more and more outraged by the way that her co-hosts kept taunting her over her plans to vote for the little old man and his funny little helper woman he keeps hanging around with.

Reportedly things were so bad that some urgent ‘cooling-off’ meetings had to be held to get everyone back in line before Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s voice got so loud and shrill that it completely impaired all dolphins’ ability to receive sonar and sent them all darting off into cruise ship propellers.

But Elisabeth Hasselbeck definitely isn’t leaving The View - and especially not to go and work on Fox News - so she’s got her agent to tell the world. The New York Daily News reports:

“While Elisabeth (Hasselbeck) has a great relationship with Fox News, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that she is leaving “The View,” her agent said in a statement… “An offer was never made,” said an FNC spokesman. “While we love having her as a guest on our air, there is no offer on the table.”

It’s probably for the best that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is sticking with The View, because it’s really the job of a lifetime for her. This is the only job she’ll probably ever have where she’s encouraged to screech about how rape victims shouldn’t get abortions on daytime television. Well, unless she goes for the job as host of the upcoming daytime gameshow Murderer! You Wicked Godless Murderer! but that’s unlikely.