If you’re a somewhat famous person who hasn’t really gotten it together in years – what you need is a good publicist.

Seriously – a good publicist can do wonders for your career. They’ll get your name on marquees, they’ll make the masses forget you’re ugly and dumb, and dang it all, they’ll even marry you if that’s what it takes to sell your next album.

We can’t guarantee all publicists will marry you – but Eddie Van Halen’s will. She’ll marry you in a heartbeat – even if you look kinda like you’ve been buried in a moist hill for over 200 years. It’s because she does what it takes – whatever it takes, to get you a headline or two.

That’s what we assume anyway – because she just got romantically engaged to E Van Halen. Yes, she got romantically engaged to him, with plans to romantically marry him.

Now that’s dedication.

When that Bertanelli chick married Eddie Van Halen over fifty years ago, it was with the intent of eventually replacing Sammy Hagar on vocals. When that didn’t work out their marriage shattered, and both were left with empty hearts that only a personal employee could fill.

For the record we have no idea who Valerie Bertanelli is currently dating. We are up on Eddie though – he’s been dating Janie Liszewski, an employee whom he no doubt pays several thousand dollars per year. She just got a raise though, probably a big one too – like two grand or something. That’s because they’re engaged now, and have properly annotated so on their W-4.

We don’t actually have the financial numbers involved with their engagement, and possibly there aren’t any. Here’s what People thinks:

“Eddie Van Halen is engaged to his girlfriend/publicist Janie Liszewski, PEOPLE has learned. Van Halen, 53, proposed to Liszewski, 38, on Aug. 4 while they were vacationing in Hawaii. The rock guitarist dropped to one knee and popped the question in a private room at Tiffany’s, a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE. The couple plan to wed next June.”

Now that news is far more interesting than the time Van Halen canceled a tour, the time they canceled a tour again, or the time Eddie’s daffodils got covered in way too much water. Still though, it’s not quite as interesting as the time his dog exploded, the time he gave up music to make wine with nuns, or the time he got an x-ray that found over 10,000 fire ants burrowed deep in his chest.

No links for those last ones? Probably because they’re not true at all. If they were, Eddie Van Halen would be the most interesting person in the world, and his publicist wouldn’t have to throw herself in front of that romantically entangled bullet.

Just imagine a world like that.