Have you been eagerly anticipating a new Van Halen album? You have? You are aware it’s not 1983, right?
No matter. You’ve been waiting for a new Van Halen album, and Eddie Van Halen isn’t going to disappoint. Eddie Van Halen has promised that a new Van Halen tour and album are coming, even though everyone secretly knows that the band will have three rehearsals and then break up again.
But trust Eddie Van Halen, even though Van Halen changes so often that the new album will probably be performed by Eddie, his milkman, Fred Durst and his wife’s pet goat on banjo.
Although we’d rather force-feed ourselves drawing pins than listen to one of his albums all the way through, we have to admit to a sneaking admiration for Eddie Van Halen – specifically his never-say-die attitude to life.
When his original singer quit his band, Eddie Van Halen simply replaced him with a new singer whose name made him sound like a comedy viking. Then when he quit the band, Eddie Van Halen replaced him with another singer, and then the first singer, and then a new singer, and then the first singer again, then sacked the bassist and replaced him with a teenage boy named Wolf. All of which makes perfect sense.
But if there’s one thing – apart from mind-breaking lineup changes – that characterises Van Halen, it’s the way that everything the band ever tries to do always falls apart at the last minute because Eddie Van Halen is shitfaced on booze. Van Halen’s induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame was a car crash precisely because Eddie Van Halen checked himself into rehab about three seconds before it took place; and when they finally got it together enough to tour, the band had to pull a bunch of shows because of Eddie Van Halen’s ‘issues’.
So you’ll forgive us for not having too much faith in Eddie Van Halen when he says that he’s gathering the band together for a new album and tour. Musicradar reports:
“We had a lot of fun on the tour – Dave was a blast. And next time we go out, we’re going to have some new stuff, too. I’m looking forward to getting on it. I’ve got tons of music written, such a variety of stuff… Actually, next week or the week after, Wolfie, Alex, and I are gonna start jamming. Maybe we’ll give Dave a call and see what he’s up to.”
Oh, alright. Enough cynicism. We’re actually looking forward to the new Van Halen album and tour. Or, to be more accurate, we’re looking forward to the one rehearsal they get halfway through before Eddie Van Halen falls over drunk in the middle of a 45-minute widdly-widdly-woo guitar solo, David Lee Roth quits the band 15 times in a row and little Wolf hits puberty and becomes so scared by all the hair in his pants that he runs around terrified until he clatters into a wall and knocks himself unconscious.
Because that’s literally going to be the best one of those things ever. Van Halen! Woo!
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
stuart heritage you really suck you %#*hole
Is Van Halen relavent anymore? Who cares if they ever tour again, or put an album out again. Since getting rid of Sammy, I wrote them off. Eddie’s a great guitarist, but he’s “F’d” things up so bad over and over again, they should just call it quits.
you are an idiot@!!!!
It’s nice to read a spot about a famous guy getting bashed by an unknown.
I bet you’re one of those guys that can’t wait for Friday and Saturday to go out and party and get completely bombed out of his skull and then when Monday rolls around, talks about it at the office and how “crazy” the weekend was because you’re hardcore, but if someone checks themselves into rehab because of 40 years of heavy drinking and smoking has taken it’s toll, they’re obviously just assholes for ruining their lives.
Leave the funny for people that can bring the funny, because you’re not.
Since you’re probably really proud and showing off at the office (or starbucks) of your masterful piece of hilarity and great wit and prose, maybe you should enroll yourself in a comedy writing class or at least, by a book on how to write something funny or intelligent.
This piece is obviously written by a bitter ex-rock and roll failure that hates to see people try to get themselves out of bad situations and be successful in their life again.
You’re pathetic
OMG!!!!!!!!!!1 I can,t beleaf what the hack is goin on hear………………..it,s like nooone even recnises what a man Stuart Heritage is and how much this (that) man has doing for you all by tellin you news adn all you can do “Mike is” to come an slug him off like your even better than he is we ll you ain,t boydy boy gggggrrrr. To coat your words “by a book on how to write something funny or intelligent” well i don,t think HE DOES NEED TO BY A BOOK ON FUNNY OR INTELLENT BECause he allready is (funny or intellent)
oh poor misguided mike…you really think HecklerSpray has an office??
who cares anymore they don’t have Roth or Sammy so who cares . Eddie was a great musican 20 years ago haven’t heard anything good for at least 15 years . I’ve moved on
Who ever wrote this sh*t is a total f*ckin loser. That article would have to be the biggest waste of space I have seen! Dude get a life! You can’t write, you can’t do journalism, and you ain’t funny!!
Oh yeah – StuFan#1 learn to type and spell man….my 6 year could do better than your effort!
You are the complete example of a “Hater”. If you were one one millionth as good at writing as Edward is at music, then maybe you could get paid to do it. Instead of talking shit about people who have actually created something wonderful.
There are some reports of Eddie saying that he may be recording the new album with David Lee Roth and of course Alex and Eddie’s son Wolfgang. That would be a stellar line-up. But as for now, Eddie says he’ll be jamming with the family and getting in contact with David to see if they can record songs together. Best case scenario — this could be a great record.
Hhhhmmm. Just another lame-ass that thinks he’s a poppy trendster. Go jackoff to your sister’s picture again. Take note, dipshit- say what you will whilst Coldplay repeats endlessly on your Ipod…Van Halen is and always will be in the list of top 5 bands of all time. Swallow that with your Cosmo, fuckface. Go back to your theory that Kurt Cobain’s death was a conspiracy and not the actual miracle that it was, and pray to that ‘signed’ poster of Bono that you stole from your retarded brother. It was HIS wish, asshole! Obviously, your mother should have taken that abortion advice from her doctor. I’m talkin’ ’bout you, comefart- your brother at least has an excuse. So- don’t fuck with the mighty VH. Stick with what yer good at, like bagging my groceries or whacking off to Hanna Montana’s dad. Or Big Billy, as you call him…
Of course, if you want to trash or mock a band you should actually be adept at the English language and journalistic skills, else you risk the wonderful irony of being the ass rather than talking about one.
“even though everyone secretly knows that the band will have three rehearsals and then break up again.” – how can “everyone” “secretly” know? How can you secretly know at all? You either know or you don’t.
“But trust Eddie Van Halen, even though Van Halen changes so often that the new album will probably be performed by Eddie, his milkman, Fred Durst and his wife’s pet goat on banjo.” –one of many non sequitur sentences…trust Eddie to do what? And do some fact checking. The original and second lineups were each together eleven years.
“Although we’d rather force-feed ourselves drawing pins than listen to one of his albums all the way through, we have to admit…” – who is this collective “we”? you are writing an op ed piece…have the balls to use the first person
“a new singer whose name made him sound like a comedy viking.” what is a “comedy viking”? comedic, maybe?
“apart from mind-breaking lineup changes” -”mind-breaking”? not in the dictionary, but then maybe you are just that original
“it’s the way that everything the band ever tries to do always falls apart at the last minute because Eddie Van Halen is shitfaced on booze.” yeah, true…they’ve only sold 80 million records, the 19th best selling U.S. artist ever…bums!
“falls apart at the last minute because Eddie Van Halen is shitfaced on booze. Van Halen’s induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame was a car crash ” – of course, your metaphor suffers here, no? a car crash does a bit more than “fall apart”, thus the word “crash.”
“to be more accurate, we’re looking forward to the one rehearsal they get halfway through…” -consistency, gomer…is it going to be three rehearsals or less than one?
Yeah, I agree with most of the posters-I stumbled upon this site and to me this article reads like so many other gossipy-celebrity blogs, i.e. sophomoric hamfisted attempts at humor by kicking someone when they’re down. Way down. EVH is a shambling decrepit mess and a weak parody of his former arena rockin self. The tired old soap opera of Van Halen’s lineup changes and succession of increasingly bad albums is nothing new to most music fans.
Note: please lookup Heckle in the dictionary, then look at what the website is called.
Once you figure it out, please try and find yourself girlfriends.
JLK: Did your parents tell you your useless, stupid and no one will want you? Stop trying so hard. It will be okay.
Chewy, you are an idiot. Just like the imbecile who wrote this shitty “article.”
So very lame. I should’ve stopped reading when this dickhead said he couldn’t listen to a Van Halen all the way through. That says a lot about him right there. Probably a Bary Manilow fan. I won’t be back to this site again. This kook is a punk bitch.
The only “spray” this heckler knows is when his boyfriend sprays his cum in his face. He’s a brain dead idiot who can’t write for shit and who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.
they need to get mikie back on bass.really wolfie aint cutting it the band needs mikies backing vocals and great bass playing.wolfie sucks ass.but dave eddie and alex sound great now get mikie back.