What’s that smell?
Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man’s syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You’re bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says ‘I love you’ like rating your partner’s performance in the sack.
No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You’ll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.
The personality cult has hit an all-time low. Forget about the talent, it’s all about the talent-show judge: Someone who can’t sing… but knows what good singing sounds like. “What about Cheryl Cole?” you ask. Yeah OK, she’s behind a desk and she’s not paid to think. She’s paid to endorse products, like Geordie handbags, crap shampoo or TV show perfumes. Cheryl and the other panel members each reportedly earnt ?250,000 for selling their smells. We thought we’d give you an idea of what’s in store:
Eau de Simon Cowell: Crisp banknotes blended with petals of egomania and the backside of Sharon Osbourne, this fragrance suits a particularly useless breed of human being, but one with character. Loaded with special pheromones that attract gold-diggers and industry psychopaths.
Essence of Walsh: Irish bog-water and Kensington High Street combine for a special one-off whiff of Louis, designed for two-faced nice guy types who ‘just wanna help you out’. Wearing the Essence of Walsh will get you out of anything. Anything.
Cole 187: A lovely mix of Byker Grove, girl-band knickers and cyanide that changes your voice and somehow makes you less attractive, especially if you’re married. Want to put a stop to those pesky one-liners? Go for Cole 187, it’s absolutely lethal.
Dannii Miasma: Smell like your sister with this refreshing and flirty outback musk. Made from ethically sourced children and crocodile oil, Dannii Miasma can summon your siblings at will. Especially useful when you need a second opinion or some backup in a scrap.
After meeting with experts to discuss their odours this week, the four will release fragrances under the X Factor brand name in time for Christmas, parting thousands of idiots with their money. Simon Cowell is rumoured to be smug about his man-smell, as one source revealed:
“Simon says his will be the top-seller – he’s already winding the other three up.”
Jade Goody musicals, X Factor fragrances… What’s next? We think that saving money has never been more attractive.
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hoohaahee says
The xfactor “phenomenon”: sheeple mindlessly hoovering up bland, unoriginal, mediocre shite.
The xfactor shifts the public focus from real acts with originality and creativity. It’s total saturation of mainstream television has elevated a smug middle class wank such as Simon Cowell to the point where his opinion is actually put across as “important”.
Obviously he’s done a great job, finding those “stars”…most of whom are probably now booking “gigs” in local panto.
Also, did I mention Simon Cowell is a C**t?