In every episode of EastEnders, you can be guaranteed of a few things. For a start, you’ll never sit through the full 30 minutes without hearing an ear-piercing screech or cackle.

Peggy’s bra will have pinged off and blinded a child like in her Carry On days and then she’ll slop a warm pint all over Pat, causing fisticuffs at the bar.

There’s also the iconic music that accompanies the programme. Without those drum beats at the beginning and end of the show, EastEnders wouldn’t have any charm left at all. Kind of like the service in Ian Beale’s café. But things are changing in Albert Square. Soon, a spin off show dubbed E20 will launch, and the team behind the show want you to create the theme tune by doing up the original song.

Of course, there is already a remix of the recognisably anthemic EastEnders theme-tune. Frizzy haired guitar chimp Brian May’s wife Anita Dobson created a version of the song by simply singing over the top of it. She released it and thousands of morons purchased it, thus making her famous. Sadly, you can’t rip off her efforts as the producers of the show want you to make a thirty second remix that captures the sound and feel of living in East London.

For the majority of the population living outside of London, this may be hard to imagine. However, from our knowledge of London, we believe samples of people complaining about late tubes, recordings of coughing from inhaling smog and the sound of pigeon shit hitting the floor will be quite apt. Or as the competition page puts it:

“E20 is to encourage and develop exciting new talent. All the writers and cast are newcomers – and we want to extend this approach to the music production. For that, we need your help. We’re therefore looking for a fresh take on the classic EastEnders theme tune – one that will become the fanfare for a show which celebrates London life, and what it’s like to be young in the capital. All in the space of 30 seconds!”

Awesome, we all we have to do is chop up the beats and splice up the main tune to win the prize? Doesn’t sound too difficult to us. We can already imagine the look of surprise on the judge’s face as present a glitched-up gabba version complete with touches of white noise. Or if we forget the closing date and need to knock something up quick, we’ll just reverse the tune, steal some vocals from YouTube and plonk it on top. Easier than cooking, that is.

Of course, out made up genre of Fizzcorkcore probably won’t win as the current climate of wonky-sounding baselines and big beats will probably clinch it for some nerdy bedroom DJ. But good luck to you all, after winning the competition you’ll then be asked what you’d do to make the show watchable.

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