Aah, Valentine?s day. Love is in the air, except on Albert Square. This could be true of any time, but today, it's especially true.
Instead, we've got Ken doll Michael getting roughed up by Jack and suspected by all and sundry for a crime he didn't commit, but will he start to realise it doesn't all add up? He's not the brightest bulb in the pack, so let's hope the clues are clear.
But if you really want a soul crushingly storyline without hope, it's the ?lets laugh at the fat ugly single mum with no money? storyline ? Heather.
This is not going to be Heather?s week. She's going to have to clean Phil?s flat, consider stealing a bottle of milk (!), but fail to do it (!!), dump Shirley Terrahawk as a mate because she left her purse at home (!!!), search little Morgan?s pockets for money and get caught doing so (!!!!), fail to find her mum (! X V) and basically, almost die from fumes from a faulty boiler (so there are two faulty boilers living in Heather?s place? Sorry).
But maybe we shouldn?t feel too sorry for her, seeing as she is a total Grade A moron. When Patrick gives her ?20 out of kindness for being the Minute Mart’s employee of the month, what does she do in her desperate state? She buys some chocolates for Dot and Jim because she’s been desperate to buy them an anniversary present. Then, she learns that Patrick only made up the ’employee of the month’ prize to give her money, so she puts ?20 back in the till. Sorry, but that's not exactly desperate, is it?
Elsewhere, the search for Heather means that Darren has to bring baby George to work with him, but ends up recruiting Tamwar as a babysitter after Jack gets annoyed. George’s time with Tamwar at the Argee Bhajee ends with the baby being covered in curry (sorry, but how racist does that sound? Is it just us?), and this chain of events somehow leads to him finding Heather slumped in a chair.
Meanwhile, Roxy has some interesting news for Christian and Syed. We’re not saying what, but let's just say there are a few pregnant pauses?
If Heather wasn?t depressing enough, Whitney?s also having a terrible week. Ryan gets her a job at the pub, but Janine encourages her to steal alcohol from The Vic, so she puts three bottles of vodka into a bag. But Kat later finds the bag and sacks Whitney, offering her ?40 in unpaid wages – which she chooses not to take (again, this makes no sense). When Whitney returns to the flat and tells Janine, Janine is furious. Her temper gets worse when she hears that Whitney turned down her wages and she slaps her lodger.
Meanwhile, the only remotely happy bit of news is that Kat and Alfie are finally bonding over Tommy?s death and the coroner?s report. But again, if that's the upbeat bit, then maybe Eastenders really is the most depressing bit of escapism in the world.
Roll on next week where there?ll be war, pestilence, famine and AIDS on the square (probably). And lots of theme nights at the pub.
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