It's the biggest, most exciting week ever!…on Coronation Street. But what's going on in the square? And how much does it involve tawdry criminal activity that you could never actually imagine anyone doing? Let's see?
Well, Stacey and Ryan are still ?fooling around?, as your dad might say, but things are getting dangerous as mental Janine is on the case, as is Fat (OK, pregnant) Kat.
And so is a social worker, who the pair pretend to be a couple for. This makes Stacey wonder whether Ryan is playing it up for the social worker or genuinely means it. Is Ryan even capable of independent thought? He's a human Ken doll; he probably has a plastic mound for genitals too. ?
But he won't have any genitals at all if Janine catches them at it, which she nearly does, when she lets herself in to Stacey?s flat. She flings open the door to Stacey’s bedroom to see Stacey and Lily cuddling on the bed. Searching the room frantically, an angry Stacey throws her out.
Ryan was ONLY hiding under the bloody cot!
Meanwhile, Jay notices Phil buying jewellery from a man with the intention of selling it on and asks if he can become involved in the deal (how?). ?Phil asks him to collect some money from Connor. But Connor doesn’t like being bossed about by Jay (who would? He's a ginger meerkat) and peels off some cash to keep for himself.
Also, Justin Beale / Peter Bieber is wondering round like a lovesick puppy, but Whitney?s not so keen. Do you care? Us neither.
A worried and stressed Julie turns up just in time to find Billy on the doorstep of the man he thinks is their son. She says it’s not their son, but someone who she used to work with. She explains that she had looked for their son but that he was not interested, so she fantasised that Roger was their child. That's an excuse worthy of Ashley Cole. Julie tries her hardest to explain her behaviour to a shocked Billy, but he thinks her lying is strange. RUN A MILE, BILLY!
Later in The Vic, the Countdown to Christmas party gets under way and Pat enjoys Alfie’s potent cocktails (not a euphemism, we hope). As she stumbles home, she looks up to see the shadow of Ryan snogging someone in a Christmas outfit in the upstairs window. And it's not Janine! Maybe Ryan is having a gay affair with Santa?
Jay tries to get his money back off Connor by being intimidating and actually knees the much larger, older man in the balls. Phil is impressed (great role model) by Jay’s actions and an elated Jay soon asks if he can change his surname to Mitchell. Seriously? Is this the view of parenting the BBC likes to promote?
Pat struggles with what she saw the previous night and contemplates what to do. Ultimately, she tells Janine, like a fool. Janine is broken and she crumbles in tears in Pat’s arms. However, she quickly gathers herself and angrily states that she will not cry any more tears over Ryan – she is going to kill him?
Ryan and Stacey try to nip off for a dirty weekend, without anyone knowing. This couldn't be any less likely to succeed if he was a Premiership footballer and she was a pop star! But undeterred, they go for it, vowing not to let each other out of bed.
But who's that buying some dodgy pills in an alley? Why, it's mad Janine! Ryan returns home to a candlelit dinner for two prepared by Janine. She passes him a glass of wine, careful that he takes the right glass, and they make a toast to Christmas?
Elsewhere, there's more emo nonsense with the younger members of the show and, best of all, sleazy Ian has sex with Glenda, but Glenda is left disappointed and unsatisfied and asks Ian whether any of his previous partners have given him advice or tips on how to satisfy a woman!
Brilliant.
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