Albert Square! we're back! Sorry we were away last week, but much like an Eastenders character, we suddenly had to leave at the drop of a hat to go abroad, but thankfully had thousands of pounds in the bank to fund it, despite demonstrably always being skint.
Anyway, life on the square is as crazy as ever, especially for Jane, Ian, Masood and Zainab, who are having a sitcom of a week, with misunderstandings (some sexual) on all sides.
Things are still bad between Jane and Ian (she hates him, he heard her tell virtual strangers she does), and it's not good for Zainab and Masood either (she's mental, he's spineless). So, naturally enough, Masood and Jane drive to a hotel and head to the bar, where they talk about their marriage problems and share a passionate kiss. They then go up to a hotel room and start to get intimate.
But neither of their hearts are truly in it (so?), and when Masood sees eleven missed calls from Zainab , he tells Jane that he loves his wife ? wow, a woman who won't stop checking up on you is so sexy, isn't she? And besides, you're supposed to say that AFTER the dirty deed, Masood, not before (joke). They stop themselves from sleeping with each other and agree to stay as friends.
There must be some Viagra in the water there, because Ryan and Stacey also have a steamy time in an abandoned car park (classy), as he drives her to the airport to leave for Spain. Don't leave Stacey ? you're the only person who can act on this show!
Following their passion, Ryan thinks Stacey will stay in Walford but she’s still determined to leave for Majorca. However, Stacey then makes the decision not to leave the Square (phew). She finds Lauren and drags her home, where she tells her to leave her alone for good and that she refuses to look over her shoulder for the rest of her life, particularly not for a massive, vengeful fringe. ?Ryan returns home to confront Janine about locking him in The Vic’s fridge, but they end up in bed and he is emotionally torn. This lot just have sex on the brain!
Meanwhile, Syed returns and surprises Christian, and Ian is suspicious that Masood has been with his wife.
Jane returns home to tell Ian that she is leaving him and tells him the truth about Masood, but surprise, surprise, they eventually talk things through and Jane agrees to stay. Can ANYONE in Eastenders ever go through with anything? ?I really want a coffee….but I want tea too…don't know what to do…I'm leaving the square forever…no, I'll just have a coffee?.
At the same time, Masood finds Zainab at the Argee Bhajee, and overcome with guilt, he signs the paperwork for the restaurant. Later, Masood throws Tamwar the keys to the restaurant and tells him it is his to run ? great plan Masood, I'm sure you won't be out of business in no time.
But Ian knows about Masood, and is on the warpath. He knocks on his door to tell him what he really thinks, and ends up punching him. Even Syed is suspicious about the pair.
At the Argee Bhajee, Afia builds a den for her and Tamwar to cuddle under (are they 18? Or 5?). Soon everyone is falling out with everyone, and Syed warns Masood, that if he doesn’t let Tamwar do what he wants, he?ll tell Zainab about his affair with Jane. What a load of argy bargy!
Stacey and Ryan can't stop flirting with each other while working at The Vic. She even hints to Ryan that he’s the reason she decided to stay in Walford. When Ryan puts an ice cube down her back, she retaliates and Ryan slams her against the banister (violent) and they kiss passionately. But later she tells him she deserves respect as she’s the mother of his child. She gives him an ultimatum – leave Janine to be with her and Lily, or stay with Janine and leave them alone.
A lunch at the Masoods’ is incredibly tense, as everyone except for Zainab is worried about what might happen if all these secrets come out. Ian points out that there is a conflict of interest owning Masala Queen and the Argee Bhajee, calling them ‘inappropriate bedfellows’ ? the irony! Talking of inappropriate bedfellows, is sleazy Ian going to have a bunk up with Glenda to get revenge? Don't bet against it.
Meanwhile, Janine walks into The Vic dressed to kill (well, she is a murderess), telling Ryan she has a job interview for a position on the other side of town. But she comes back deflated as she didn't get the job (not surprised ? no one in this show has any qualifications or does a job for more than 2 minutes). Stacey then tells himbo Ryan that she has changed her mind (see? Can't make her mind up for a minute) – she just wants to have fun, nothing complicated, and they get it on again, the dirty dogs. But you can only imagine how much Janine is going to make them pay when she finds out…
Join us next week for more fun!