Earn Your Early Retirement By Being Punched In The Face By Kanye West

kanye-westIt’s not often that Kanye comes out of a situation looking like the better man, especially when that situation involves him chasing down a teenager and punching his lights out.?

Alas, here we are. The guy that Kanye beat up after he reportedly hurled racist insults at Kim Kardashian while she was minding her own business in an LA chiropractor, has walked away with all his limbs intact and his bank account looking a whole lot healthier. That’s right, someone has literally been paid a quarter of a million dollars for being a racist tool. Well, it worked for Mel Gibson.

The unidentified man – let’s refer to him as ‘Jackass McMoneybags’ from here on in – agreed to a civil settlement of $250,000 as compensation for his horrible ordeal. He’s also agreed that he doesn’t want to go forward with a criminal prosecution, which is very big of him indeed.


The D.A. are still deciding whether to charge Kanye for battery, but sources are saying that it’s unlikely seeing as the ‘victim’ is now uncooperative, not to mention the fact that Jackass Moneybags allegedly shouting “Fuck you bitch. Just trying to help you. Shut up n***** lover, stupid slut,” at Kim will probably go down like a cup of cold sick with the jury.

A quarter of a million is pocket change to these guys – hell, they think nothing of spending that much on a Christmas card, but Jackass McMoneybags originally asked for a six-figure sum to compensate him for his ordeal. Hopefully the poor guy isn’t too upset over the outcome.

So let this be a lesson to all those who are sick of the daily grind and want a quick and easy way to retire to the Bahamas that doesn’t involve armed robbery or a bank account in the Maldives. All you have to do is pick a celebrity that looks like they might get angry easily, insult and threaten their spouse until they punch you in the moneymaker, then sit back with an ice pack on your jaw and pick out your favourite pair of solid gold flip-flops.

Hecklerspray: if you’re not laughing, you’re learning.



  1. KittyBailey says

    A quarter million is a six figure sum. So I don’t understand that statement about the guy being upset over the outcome.