The Brit awards exist to recognise excellence in British music. Or at least it usually does – last night it couldn’t be bothered and just gave a load of prizes to Duffy instead.
That’s right. Duffy. Duffy who your mum likes. Duffy who sings like a baby goat stuck in a cattle grid. Duffy who looks like she’d burst into tears if you showed her a sad kitten. Duffy won three Brit awards last night, roughly six more than she deserves. But still, it’s not like Iron Maiden won anything, is it?
What? Iron Maiden did win something? God. We’re doomed.
If you missed the Brit awards last night you’d do well to keep quiet about it, because we didn’t and it was such a horrific waste of two hours that we’d seriously consider chopping the top of your head off in your sleep and swapping brains with you if it meant we’d forget it.
Because, let’s not mess around here, the Brits were bad last night. Worst in living memory bad. Everything about last night’s Brits was wrong. The barely-there hosts. The set (really, whose idea was it to make the winners go on a five-mile hike just to get to the podium?). All the cutaway shots of bored-looking bald men in suits. The winners. Everything.
In fact, to keep us from getting so angry that we accidentally crap out one of our kidneys, we’re just going to bulletpoint some of the more memorable moments from last night’s Brits for you and have done with it:
* U2 performing their new song as the lyrics flashed up behind them like they were too deeply profound to go ignored. They aren’t profound. It’s a song about some shoes.
* Incidentally, we promise never to mock Bono for his sunglasses again if he promises to never take them off again. Seriously, the man looks like Gollum’s malformed twin.
* Duffy winning Best British Female.
* Duffy accepting the award by saying “Best British Female? I don’t know what that means.” She’s a clever one, that Duffy.
* Coldplay still not realising that shouting “OK!” before every line of every song they perform makes them all look like wankers.
* Duffy winning Best British Breakthrough.
* Girls Aloud‘s artfully-staged ‘nude’ performance being wrecked by all the cameras clumsily picking up the straps of their dresses.
* Duffy winning Best British Album.
* Take That miming from an actual spaceship just to annoy Robbie Williams.
* Duffy winning Best Jumped-Up Working Mens’ Club Cabaret Act.
* Paul Weller winning Best British Male purely because there was nobody else to give it to.
* Duffy winning Most Marketable Amy Winehouse Substitute Who Probably Won’t Take All The Drugs Or Punch Paying Fans In The Face.
* Iron Maiden winning Best Live Act, followed by the swift realisation that Radio 2 listeners should never be allowed to vote for anything ever again.
* Duffy winning Best Sustained Impersonation Of Uni From The 1980s Dungeons And Dragons Cartoon.
That is all. Try harder next year, please.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Sorry but what´s up with this article? Iron Maiden for example is the greatest British Live act ever, for sure!!! And the whole show was okay yesterday! So why complaining?
What a load of old tripe: “Iron Maiden winning Best Live Act, followed by the swift realisation that Radio 2 listeners should never be allowed to vote for anything ever again.”
Radio 2 listeners DO NOT listen to Iron Maiden. Heavy metal fans do, and they voted in droves because Maiden are a storming, anthemic, theatrical and exhilerating live act seen by literally millions of people worldwide.
Take your prejudices against this kind of music elsewhere.
what do you know about music you utter moron. If you’ve ever seen iron maiden live you may appreciate why they won the award.
Now, I am no fan of awards shows. Being American we are forced, from birth, to smile and nod whenever an awards show is on. That, and make inciteful comment about what every human being – including the guy running the camera – is wearing. However, if you insist on maing questionable comment about the greatest heavy metal band ever to grace this misrable mudball with their presence, the it is ON! If you are so jaded and sad that you must make comment not only about the band but about
US, the fans (and I assume that you were talking about the fans with that “radio listeners..” jibe)then I ask you simply to say hello to your mum for me next time you see her, Mr. Heritage. You may not recognize her….I shaved her back! Pufta!
Are Iron Maiden that group that has the stonehenge set and whos amps go up to 11? If so yeah they should definatly have won!! HEavy Metal dudes!!!! \m/ >) \m/
Actually I have no idea, Don’t listen to the music. I haven’t come out of the Grunge scene yet
“* Incidentally, we promise never to mock Bono for his sunglasses again if he promises to never take them off again. Seriously, the man looks like Gollum’s malformed twin.”
AMEN. i visibly cringed when he took them off.
who ever wrote this sucks the big vein-y cock, it they wernt sheep and realized how little talent their prefered “artists’ have compared to iron maiden, theyd go climb into a hole…in the ground not the one of that guy they picked up at the bar earlier tonight.
i love how whoever wrote this joke of an article did not even leave his name…lol….
i’m glad i’ll never be back to this lame site
maiden rules
Who would have thought it – Iron Maiden fans as precious and easily riled as Twilight tweens and Chris Brown wannabeats?
the kids of today can’t handle criticism, or hearing a bad word against any band whom they masturbate furiously over
Maiden fans take pride in the success and the integrity of the band they follow. That’s why they voted for the band to win the award in the first place, and that’s why they might react against a jibe against the band based on outmoded prejudices.
They can handle the criticism – by pointing out how baseless the criticism is.
Bawwwwwwww Maiden won an award!!!1!1
I couldn’t wait for them to win it so I could get to see all the music journalists piss themselves over a heavy metal band winning an award. But-but-but it’s not rehashed and easily marketable to brainwashed MTV drones! How could this ever happen??!
Your tears, they sustain me.
Maiden are one of the biggest bands in the world and have been for 30 years. Radio 2 never plays any Iron Maiden, they won it because their fans are the most loyal.. their fans are the most loyal because the band is the most loyal to them. They won this without any mainstream media coverage or air play.. which makes it more impressive.
Maiden rules and at the end of the day who really cares about this crap website.. only getting hits because the mentioning of Maiden.
Duffy is shit. I just decided. What’s she up to singing? N’ what are people hearing? Her voice is so forced and squeeky, she makes me like Amy Winehouse.
Coldplay are shit. They’re so boring they make me want to poke my eyes out just to distract from their pretentious drone. I have an unnatural hatred for their sound, maybe its subliminal. shit shit shit
What ever happened to U2′s, or rather Bono’s humilty? It’s embarrassing to watch. Time machine required for Bono – you used to be genuine