Dr Pepper Gets A Full-On Guns N’ Roses Strop Attack

Axl Rose always keeps his promises - even promises that take about 20 years which nobody really cares about any more.

And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing - Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date - the year four hundred billion AD.

Axl Rose and Dr Pepper are remarkably similar. They’re both ginger, for starters, plus they’re equally bubbly. And both of them have funny names and are only really enjoyed by massive idiots with no taste.

So back in March when Dr Pepper promised everyone a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy before the end of 2008, it seemed like such a brilliant marketing stunt. After all, not only did it give Dr Pepper more press coverage that it knew what to do with, but it was all free - Dr Pepper would never have to pay out because it was common knowledge that Axl Rose was going to stay locked up in his studio, tightening and untightening a solitary cymbal wingnut in his pants until it made the exact sound he wanted, which would be never because the exact sound he wanted was actually a mooing cow.

But anyway, this week the unthinkable happened. Guns N’ Roses actually released Chinese Democracy. And that meant three things:

1 - About four people who still think it’s 1991 were slightly thrilled.

2 - China got its knickers in a twist a bit.

3 - Everyone got a free Dr Pepper.

Except that last one didn’t actually happen. You see, what Dr Pepper meant when it said that everyone got a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year was that everyone gets a free drink, but only on the day of its release, and then only if you managed to get onto the Dr Pepper website to download the appropriate voucher before heavy traffic derailed it for most of that day.

And this set of near-impossible conditions has made Axl Rose so furious that he’s actually set his lawyer Alan Gutman onto Dr Pepper. Reuters reports:

Gutman is demanding that Dr Pepper makes good on its offer by extending the period for the offer; he also wants full-page apologies in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. Gutman’s letter makes clear his view that the original campaign was an “exploitation of my clients’ legendary reputation and their eagerly awaited album” and “brazenly violated our clients’ rights.”

Oh, and money. Axl Rose wants money too. As if you needed to be told.

But although this is basically an argument about how people can’t get a free horrible-tasting drink because a rubbish band released a disappointing album within a certain timeframe, Axl Rose should be congratulated on his newfound attentiveness towards consumer affairs.

Not that we should be surprised, though - Axl Rose has had a long-standing interest in the world of customer service for some time now. It’s a little-known fact that Bad Apples was written about the returns policy of his local greengrocer, while Sweet Child O’ Mine was Axl’s angry reaction to the baby he received from a cannibalism website which tasted slightly tart when he had specifically requested a sugary one. True story*.

*Not a true story.

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