What a crap few weeks: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Steven Wells, David Carradine – all dead.

It’s rubbish. In fact, so many celebrities have died in the last month that the title of most famous human being on the planet has now defaulted to Richard Blackwood. Richard Blackwood, for crying out loud! This world is sick.

However, one celebrity who definitely isn’t dead is Jeff Goldblum. We know this because Jeff Goldblum’s death was reported yesterday, and Jeff Goldblum had to specifically tell the world that he definitely hadn’t died. Yeah, that’s right – rub everyone’s noses in it, Jeff.

Now look, let’s not kid anyone here. Michael Jackson has died, and because of that there’s hardly any other news.

There’s such a shortage of news to be found that we’re actually writing a story about Jeff Goldblum not dying. And you’re reading it. You’re literally reading a story about how nothing has happened to Jeff Goldblum in the last 24 hours whatsoever. Look at you. What’s the matter with you? Literally what’s the matter with you? You don’t even like Jeff Goldblum very much, do you? Is this really how you thought your life would turn out? Sitting down, wasting your precious time on Earth by reading a story that’s entirely about an actor still being alive? Is it? You must be so very disappointed with yourselves.

But, anyway, the news. Yesterday, in a shocking development of a story that’s been going on for the last 56 years, eight months and four days, Jeff Goldblum didn’t die. Admittedly people did think for a short amount of time that Jeff Goldblum had died thanks to a report on the internet telling everyone that he’d died, but he hadn’t died. He really hadn’t. Jeff Goldblum is still alive. We’re not sure how much clearer we can make that. EW reports:

Reports that actor Jeff Goldblum has died are completely false, his publicist confirms. The erroneous information, prompted by an Internet hoax, started to leak out on Thursday afternoon. His publicist has issued the following statement: “Reports that Jeff Goldblum has passed away are completely untrue. He is fine and in Los Angeles.”

Oh, thank God for that – it means that Jeff Goldblum’s remarkable streak of going 20,701 consecutive days without dying can continue. We don’t have the statistics to hand, but we think this development means that Jeff Goldblum now holds the world record for going the longest number of days in a row without even dying once. Congratulations, Jeff Goldblum! You’re our hero!

Although, to be serious for a moment, we can see why people would have assumed that Jeff Goldblum had died in all the Michael Jackson muddle. After all, he’s a scrawny reclusive oddball celebrity with white skin who hasn’t really been all that famous since the early 1990s as well. In fact, now that Michael Jackson has passed away, this makes Jeff Goldblum the world’s leading scrawny reclusive oddball celebrity with white skin who hasn’t really been all that famous since the early 1990s. Wow! Jeff Goldblum’s day keeps on getting better and better! Hooray for Jeff Goldblum! He’s the greatest!

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