Don’t Worry Clay Aiken, Rosie O’Donnell Loves You

Now that Clay Aiken has decided to announce he’s openly gay, his life is bound to change in many exciting and scary ways.

For example, Clay Aiken might find himself starting to enjoy the music of Bette Midler more that he did before, and there’ll be moments when he finds the movie Mamma Mia genuinely touching rather than tacky and bad. But most of all, Clay Aiken will find himself at the centre of a Rosie O’Donnell statement.

In fact, Clay Aiken already has. In a brief statement given hours after it emerged that Clay Aiken was gay, Rosie O’Donnell told the world that she ‘loves’ Clay. Oh Rosie - Clay Aiken isn’t going to love you back, you know. He’s gay now, and that means he doesn’t like women. But don’t worry Rosie O’Donnell, you’ll find a good man one of these days.

Now that she’s not on The View any more, and all of her subsequent television plans have fallen through, Rosie O’Donnell only has two ways to remind people that she exists.

The first of these is her blog, where readers can discover exactly what Rosie O’Donnell thinks of topics as varied as what she thinks of Dancing With The Stars and… wait, no, that’s it.

The second of Rosie O’Donnell’s ways is to make declarations on the newly-gay. Essentially in this respect it’s best to think of Rosie O’Donnell as the gay version of the nice woman who shows you round the office on your first day of work - you know, the one who only does it because she’s alienated herself from all the other workers and has to latch onto the new-starters for company, and who you feel bead for ignoring after a week because she sort of smothers you.

So obviously, Rosie O’Donnell was going to be all over yesterday’s news that Clay Aiken is gay. This is her bread and butter - after all, Clay Aiken is so newly gay that he probably doesn’t know any of the conventions yet. Like the one about only wearing semi-transparent mesh vests that show off his nipples from now on, the one about the compulsory moustache and the all-important left to right gloryhole entry system that was implemented to stem the tide of excruciating penal collision.

That’s the stuff Rosie O’Donnell can help with. So, what did Rosie O’Donnell decide to say to Clay Aiken? E! Online reports:

“I love Clay,” she said. “He is a beautiful man in every way.”

Why Rosie, that’s as sweet as it is completely untrue. However, we’re going to forgive you just this once, because you were probably just saving time by not rolling out the full-length “I love Clay. He is a beautiful man in every way. Except for his hair. And those weird wolfy teeth he’s got. And his speaking voice is really anything but beautiful. And when he smiles his eyes disappear and it’s kind of creepy. I think that just about covers it. Oh, and the way he dresses. Yeesh.”

But still, Clay Aiken must be grateful that a high profile member of the gay community like Rosie O’Donnell has decided to show her support for him in this uncertain time of his life.

It must be nice to have anyone show their support for him, in fact, just because it makes a change from the deep awkward silence that Clay Aiken has received from everyone else because they always just presumed he was gay anyway and didn’t realise there was supposed to be this big secret about it.