It was recently announced that the next Trek film, the sequel to J.J. Abram?s excellent, albeit lens flair laden reboot of the franchise, would be titled Star Trek Into Darkness. Which would be a great title if a self-serious, bi-curious, twelve-year-old boy had chose it as the title to his Kirk/Spock slash fiction.
Unfortunately Star Trek Into Darkness is not supposed to be an amazing porno parody in which the difficult act of man on man space docking is attempted whilst in space, contingent of course on whether or not Vulcans are circumcised. No, the new movie is going to be an action filled, entertaining adventure much like the last one. Which means die hard Trekkies are going to gnash their retainers into smithereens as they spew vitriol across message boards throughout the land.
Because there is a large phalanx of the Trek army who hates that the new movie, and presumably its sequel, have added the foreign elements of ?Fun?, ?Excitement ? and even ?Comprehension? into the Star Trek universe. The old guard of Trekkies, or Treksperts as some like to be referred to as but will never, ever be called such, decry that there is no room for ?Fun? in the Star Trek world.
Some Trek Extremists have gone so far as to call the new film ?Watchable.? ?Not only are the new films engaging storywise they're also populated by what might be the greatest Trek heresy yet, attractive young actors. Where the fuck do they get off reinventing our wheel here people?
The Trek films have always been about middle-aged people arguing with other middle-aged people who have something wrong with their foreheads. Now J.J. Abram has the audacity to cast the legs for days, sex grenade, ultra vixen Zoe Saldana as Uhura?
Not to mention the double dreamsicle of Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto as Kirk and Spock. Beautiful, likeable people who are not old enough to be your parents in a fast paced and interesting story? How can they possibly think this would appeal to anyone?
I'd say this isn't your father?s Star Trek but we all know that real Trekkies never actually procreate. That's usually reserved for people with a sex life. ?But seriously, how they're making it all?you know…interesting, how can they do this to Star Trek?
Settle down there, you're liable to wake up your parents who live above you if you keep cursing at that computer screen like that. I can feel your mouth breather seething as I type this. But let me assure you gentle virgins, I honestly have no big problem with old Trek.
I've seen all the original movies, most of the episodes of TNG and the first few seasons of Deep Space Nine. I get it old Trekkies, you don't want J.J. Abrams putting lipstick on your pig. It's your pig and you think it's beautiful just the way it is. Why did Lost boy have to come around and gussy it all up? I feel the same way towards the stuff I love too.
The difference is I have sense of humor about it. And some of these Trekkies absolutely do not. Which is just heartbreaking. They are vehemently opposed to any improvements or changes to their little world. But it's not like the old Trek universe isn't still there on the shelf, sitting untampered with and just waiting for them to it beam up. Sorry, pandering.
But although this dead seriousness afflicts all stripes of nerds in the deepest recesses of fandom Trekkies may indeed be the worst offenders.
At least Juggalos don't think they're intellectually superior to you because they've memorized every facet and function of an imaginary space United Nations. Old stubborn Trekkies vaunt their deep reservoir of pretendo, make believe, non-scientific space soap opera knowledge like it's a college degree.
And no one better tell me that ahem, the science of Trek is actually quite sound because?blah, blah, Stephen Hawking, wormhole, blah. Do us a kindness and stifle yourself space camp. You are a sad creature trying to justify your love of a perfectly serviceable space fairy tale with a sort of confabulation for the flimsily explained, basically magical technologies used therein. Cut it out.
Does it really change how much you enjoy the story? So some writer decided that The Enterprise is fueled by discarded Klingon merkins because they contain the essential sex tallow needed to power intergalactic travel, who cares? He made it up to service the story, stop pettifogging over the mechanics of the unimportant and just enjoy the drama. These types of Trekkies just take all of this enjoyable, and at times enriching fiction, a little too far.
I remember a few years back when my friend Sam, a reasonable Trekkie; one with a sense of fun about the whole affair, organized a small gang of us to go see Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan when it was playing in a small theater in our town.
My buddy Sam was actually slated to undergo brain surgery the next morning and this event was in a weird way supposed to serve as a possible final hurrah in case things went south with surgery. Luckily things didn't and my buddy is still around and healthy today but why we watched the movie the mood was obviously rather poignant.
I'll never forget the moment when Spock died, heroically sacrificing himself for the ship and his friends. His hand up against the glass with Kirk?s own pressed up next to it. Two friends saying goodbye with what looked to be an insurmountable problem.
With what was going on with Sam, at least for me, the already moving moment was granted an even heavier air. To tell the truth I may have been on the verge of embarrassing myself with a little bit of the ol? waterworks when luckily my other friend Dustin came to the rescue.
Dustin, who was to my right, had fallen asleep I assume some five minutes before, began at Spock?s big death scene to snore in the loudest and most cacophonous fashion possible. When Dustin snores, trust me, you hear it. It sounded like a whale having a roaring orgasm atop jet plane in the theater that night.
On cue the diehard Trekkies seated in front of us turned around and screamed ?Shut the fuck up!? They did so in unison and they did so bereft of even a tincture of humor. I mean my other buddy Sam, he was laughing his ass off, and for all he knew he might be dead tomorrow. But for these Trekkies this, this film was life or death. I mean come on guys, it's only a movie. It's not like it's Star Wars or anything.