So there’s Kelly Osbourne, Mya and Donny Osmond. One of them had to win Dancing With The Stars – but who?
Not Kelly Osbourne. She’s disagreeable and she falls over a lot. And not Donny Osmond. He’s middle-aged, not as talented as the others and has too many teeth. So that leaves Mya, who consistently scored higher than anybody else and is clearly a better dancer. So it’s Mya. Mya obviously won the Dancing With The Stars final last night.
Except she didn’t. Donny Osmond won Dancing With The Stars last night instead. But it’s not all bad – at least the Dancing With The Stars final wasn’t two hours long. What? It was? Gah!
In their own special ways, all the contestants who took part in this year’s Dancing With The Stars had something special going for them. There was Mya, who had all the natural poise and grace of a professional. There was Kathy Ireland, who had the support of Elizabeth Taylor. There was Tom DeLay, who had gruesome injuries. There was Macy Gray, who had a head which was identical in size and shape to a cereal box. And there was Aaron Carter, who had no redeeming features whatsoever.
But only one of them could win Dancing With The Stars. And last night that winner was named as Donny Osmond. On paper, Donny Osmond’s Dancing With The Stars win made perfect sense – he’s spent an entire lifetime on stage, he’s a firm favourite of all the old ladies who make up the Dancing With The Stars audience and he’s got the youthful, non-threatening face of a man who’s always looked like a 51 years old man on a deeply molecular level. In reality, though, Donny Osmond probably wasn’t quite as good as Mya.
But who cares? Donny Osmond is the new Dancing With The Stars champion, which means he’s corrected all the reality TV mistakes that his siblings have made in the past. You know, like when Marie Osmond went bright red and collapsed on Dancing With The Stars or when Little Jimmy Osmond brought his fire-eyed hell-doll onto I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and forced it to speak with the voice of a thousand children. Stuff like that.
But how did Donny Osmond react to news that he’d won Dancing With The Stars? Let’s ask Reuters:
Osmond was overjoyed at his win, screaming out “Tom! Yeah!” in a nod to host Tom Bergeron, and holding the silver disco ball trophy aloft in triumph alongside his dancing partner, Kym Johnson. He pulled his sister Marie, who competed on a previous season, from the audience to join the ballroom floor celebration that capped a two-hour live broadcast from Hollywood.
So well done to Donny Osmond. We suppose. But his success – and, to a lesser extent, the success of Kelly Osbourne – has proved one thing about Dancing With The Stars. And that’s that you’ll always do better if you come from a big celebrity family. So it might be a good idea to put a little bit of money on Daniel Baldwin to win the next season of Dancing With The Stars. Or, God help us all, Kate Gosselin.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
Barb says
Mya ruled! this was an upset! Donny was good but he has been dancing and “entertaining” for 40 some years! Mya just had it natural and glam & did every dance well to brilliant!!!!! this was rigged some way! no WAY in heck is Donny a better dancer than Mya!!!
Lynn says
Show was not rigged. Tom say’s to Vote your favorite, Not the best. While Donny is Good. Mya was the best. But Kelly improved the most. All 3 deserved to be where they were. Donny won because the FAN’S voted. His Family voted, And just people who liked him voted. And thats the way it was. You don’t like it? Come back next year. And Vote as many times as you can for your favorite.