Donald Trump Still A Stingy Tipper, Despite Rumours

It doesn't take a lot to make Donald Trump angry. In fact, that last sentence alone has probably got Donald Trump knotted up in a frenzy of finger-jabbing and spittle-splattering.

And the problem is getting so bad that Donald Trump is even getting angry about stuff that's actually quite nice. For example, a Santa Monica restaurant has been claiming that Donald Trump swanned in on Monday, gobbled down $80 of food and then left a $10,000 tip. Nothing wrong with that you might think, it makes Donald Trump look like a kindly old man instead of a bellowing overbearing caricature for once, but Donald Trump has responded to the story with such moronic anger that you'd have thought that Rosie O'Donnell was the head chef.

If someone made up a story about leaving a $10,000 tip for an $80 meal, we'd secretly be quite pleased - not least because it'd temporarily mask the fact that we actually tip on a complicated food-payment system whereby we divide each item of food we order into 100 pieces, scrape 15 of those pieces into an envelope and then squelch it into the waitress' hand at the end along with our hearty thanks - but Donald Trump has other ideas.

This week it was rumoured that Donald Trump went for a meal at the Buffalo Club in Santa Monica and spent $82.27 on a meal. We're guessing that half the food was for Donald Trump and the other half was for his haircut, which can currently be seen playing Nicole Kidman's monkey-daemon in The Golden Compass, but that's beside the point.

The story goes that, when it came to payment, Donald Trump asked the waiter what the biggest tip he ever had was. On hearing that Jerry Bruckheimer one tipped $500 on a $1,000 bill, Donald Trump decided to top it by paying him $10,000 - the sort of tip usually reserved for those special restaurants where, instead of eating, you get to sleep with a mid-range whore.

Anyway, didn't happen. Donald Trump didn't tip the waiter $10,000. Donald Trump didn't tip the waiter at all. That's because Donald Trump wasn't even in the restaurant. Or the state that the restaurant was in. In typically understated fashion, Donald Trump has explained that the whole story must have been a misunderstanding:

“This was done by the stupid restaurant to get publicity. It's not my signature.” 

Of course it isn't true - why on earth would Donald Trump want to blow $10,000 on a tip? Haven't these people ever seen The Apprentice? Because if they had, they'd know that Donald Trump only likes to give his money to those who have earnt it. And since the waiter didn't have to paint a dirty great mural on the side of a building to advertise a PlayStation game before he got the tip, we can assume that he didn't get the tip at all. And, really, $10,000 is the cost of a solid-ruby washer for Donald Trump's solid-ruby microwave oven. Why would you give money to a man if you can spend it on a solid-ruby washer for a solid-ruby microwave oven? Idiots.

We have to admit, though, that we're a little bit sad to learn that the tip story isn't true. Mainly because it would have ensured that Donald Trump wouldn't have been able to tip anyone less than $10,000 ever again for fear of being called a stingy git. And that's quite a nice thought.

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Trump: Not That Tip-Top A Tipper - TMZ