Don Imus knows what it's like to lose your job because you're an unstoppably racist dimwit – it hasn't stopped him being one, but at least he knows what it's like.
Wait, did we say 'unstoppably racist dimwit'? We meant 'rapier-like skewerer of societal prejudices'. You see, Don Imus is in trouble again, this time for apparently alluding to the fact that an American footballer committed lots of crimes because he's black. But Don Imus says that's not the case.
Don Imus has come forward to point out that actually he was making a sarcastic point about how suspicious policemen are of black people. He was on their side all along! So which is it – is Don Imus a racist or a sarcastic campaigner for social justice? It's too hard to decide – can't we go with 'tedious Worzel-faced old gasbag' and be done with it?
They say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit – to which we say, no it isn't. It's the highest form of wit. And nice haircut, too, granddad. But if there's anyone who can do sarcasm so perfectly it's like watching a Russian ballet master in full flight, it's Don Imus.
When it comes to sarcasm, Don Imus has got all the poise and style and flair of a Renaissance painter, of Sir Thomas Beecham midway through Berlioz's Carnaval Romain Overture, of Jesus Christ himself riding around on his special Palm Sunday donkey. Take this example of textbook sarcasm, as provided by Don Imus earlier this week when discussing an athlete who wants to drop his nickname because it reminds people that he's been arrested a lot:
"What color is he?" [Co-host] Wolf said "African-American," and Imus responded, "There you go. Now we know."
Oh that's perfect, that's so sarcastic. That's… actually, wait a minute, isn't that a bit racist? You wouldn't be the only one to think so – Don Imus has already attracted a giant shitstorm about his comments. But the problem isn't that Don Imus couldn't stop being racist if you put his willy in a mousetrap, it's that every single person who heard Don Imus is an idiot who doesn't even understand when someone's being sarcastic.
You see, Don Imus has already lost a job once because he was foolishly racist about black athletes, and he's buggered if he's going to let that happen to him again. That's why, this time, Don Imus isn't going down without a fight. Newsday reports:
During yesterday's show, Imus said the point he wanted to make was that Jones was effectively being harassed by the police, saying, "What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason. I mean, there's no reason to arrest this kid six times. Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once."
Thank heavens that Don Imus has been so quick to point out something that was obviously completely true all along – it seems to have got him off the hook with his bosses at the radio station, too. Case closed.
It's just a shame that this whole sarcasm excuse explanation hadn't been thought up earlier. Just think of all the fuss that would have been avoided if Mel Gibson would have come forward right after that whole Jew-slagging arrest thing and just admitted to the world that he was really making an important pro-Israel statement via sarcasm and extensive use of the phrase 'Sugartits' all along. We don't know about you, but we'd have swum to Malibu just to hug his big adorable face.
Anyway, we're thrilled that Don Imus has decided to fight back against these new claims of racism. He really is very good at his job and a perfect model to all of God's children.