Dolly Parton’s Boobies Mess Everything Up
Then buzz it up
February 12th, 2008 at 14:00 by Stuart Heritage
There's no way of politely putting this, so we'll just go ahead and say it - Dolly Parton's breasts are pure evil.
Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement - it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities - but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards.
Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?
Ever since Whitney Houston rerecorded her song I Will Always Love You, Dolly Parton hasn't had to do anything, apart from directing the 16 money trucks that visit her house every day to the giant abandoned quarry she uses as a royalty landfill. Sure, Dolly Parton gets out now and again to see what Rotherham looks like or to hear Jessica Simpson massacre one of her songs, but mainly she doesn't do a whole lot these days.
However, Dolly Parton is an artist, and from time to time a fire is lit beneath her to create brand new country music and travel around America playing it to the crosseyed and toothless truckers who'll appreciate it most. But as much as Dolly Parton would like to go on tour, there are a couple of things trying to hold her back.
Her boobs.
As well as the songs and the big hair and the semi-successful movie career and the theme-park, Dolly Parton is probably best known for having breasts like two lead-filled dinosaur eggs. While the obvious upside to Dolly Parton's titanic knockers is that creepy weirdos still think "Woar, Dolly Parton!" even though she's now 62 years old, the downside is that the epic gravitational pull of her boobs have twisted Dolly Parton's spine into something that looks like a question mark drawn by a horse with a paintbrush in its mouth.
And that means that Dolly Parton's tour is off, as Reuters reports:
Dolly Parton's breasts may be two of the wonders of the entertainment world, but the country music icon says they are a pain in her back. Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back. "Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.
It's a double shame, because Dolly Parton's tour was to help promote Backwoods Barbie, her first new proper country album for 17 years. But it isn't all bad, because the tour should be back on the road in a couple of months. And then we'll get to hear Dolly Parton debut her new songs like Ow My Back, Breasty But Hump-Backed and the poignant tear-jerker You Stupid Tits, I Oughta Chop You Off.
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February 12th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Having Keith Urban replace Dolly would suit me just fine!! He’s HOT and talented!!
February 12th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Plus his tits are fantastic.
February 12th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
it is a shame that the new gathers have to drop to this shameless trivia. Remember what this woman has done for music. I have watched her from Porter Wagner show and find it rediculas that you have to stoop this low for “news”. Good job ha.
February 12th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Ronaldo, I think you forgot about 9 to 5; the song and the movie.
February 13th, 2008 at 6:09 am
9 to 5. Point taken! Is it just me, or are Dolly’s fun bags not all that big? I don’t understand why people make Dolly Parton out to be the poster child for extraordinarily blessed Bosomry™. A couple of my exes had boobs that looked bigger than those. I’m not saying she’s flat….I’m just saying she’s not so hunormous it should stop presses.
February 14th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Quote
Bad Man Says: Is it just me, or are Dolly’s fun bags not all that big?
Well I guess all is relative, I’d say that they’d be 34D’s if she would be stuffing those boobs into a bra, or maybe 36E’s if she would be in the habit of wearing bras, all depending on the chosen brand of course. Now those might not be very big boobs if you just look at the absolute size but on her petite frame (about 5 ft) it’s purdy big.
Look around on the net and you’ll find that she’s not really in the habit of wearing bras though leaving her 40 inch (about) bustline bonce around freely.
I’d say it’s about time she showed ‘em off in all their glory, she should pose nude in the near future instead of waiting until het 100 th birthday.