Disturbing Friday Fun: ‘The Death Clock’

Some things have been around for ages - so long, in fact, that you pretty much assume that everyone has heard of them. Cliff Richard, for instance. Or - to use a more pleasant example - venereal disease.

hecklerspray was therefore shocked to find that - while speaking to some friends - they had never heard of teeth-chatteringly frightening website The Death Clock. But wait! we realised. What if other people haven’t heard of this site? Isn’t it our duty to tell them all about it - maybe even featuring it in Disturbing Friday Fun, our weekly look at the murky, baffling, and often pointless underbelly of the Internet?

So that’s what we did.

The premise of The Death Clock is quite simple. Type in your date of birth, gender and weight. Specify whether you would like a ‘Normal,’ ‘Optimistic’, ‘Pessimistic’ or ‘Sadistic’ result (trust us, you really want to go Optimistic on this one).

The nice computer will then tell you exactly how long is left before you die.

hecklerspray, for example, is set to expire gracefully on Friday March 24, 2056. We would cancel the milk, but there’s probably not much point - we’ll probably all be drinking Space Juice out of magic invisible cups by then anyway.

The best thing about the Death Clock, however, is the ability it affords you to predict celebrity deaths. Who would have thought that ex-Friends star Courtney Cox would be leaving us on August 27, 2043? Who isn’t shedding a tear at the fateful upcoming landmark of March 29, 2057 - the day when Blue’s Lee Ryan will be no more? As for March 25, 2057 - the final moments of Home Improvement’s Tim Allen - we’re simply too distressed to even think about that.

And if all this is proving a little morbid… why not cheer yourself up by Dressing A Gay Dog instead?

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The Death Clock

[story by C J Davies]