It's a troubling world out there.

What with the increasingly unstable arena of international conflict – and yesterday's announcement that Britain and America only just avoided a major terrorist attack – chances are that you are latching on to the slow realisation that you are definitely, definitely going to die in the most horrible fiery way imaginable.

But help is at hand. At least for our transatlantic cousins. And it's all thanks to Safer America.

Safer America is an online store that caters for all your apocalypse-avoiding needs. Work high up in a skyscraper and are worried about your chances should a jet plane plough into the building? Check out the 'High Rise' kit – a handy little package which includes an 'escape parachute', 'gas mask' and, er, 'roll of duct tape.' A snip at just over two thousand dollars.

Of course some freedom-hating cynics may suggest that this whole Safer America enterprise is simply a shameless attempt to cash in on people's fears. But then they're the sort of freaky New World Order communist-types who wouldn't think twice about banning your precious guns and pissing on the American flag, right? RIGHT?

HEY! YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME, BOY? DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY, YOU GODDAMN LIBERTY-HATIN' FAGGOT!

Safer America also has a lovely selection of camping equipment.

Safer America

[story by C J Davies]