Disturbing Friday Fun: Alice The Robot

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August 4th, 2006 at 11:30 by C J Davies

Alice The RobotFriday! You know what that means? Not much, to be honest. Just another week of your precious existence squandered away. But - hey - why not console yourself with a weekly excursion into the world of disturbing and frequently pointless internet nonsense? That's right… it's time for hecklerspray's Disturbing Friday Fun.

After the sheer exhilaration factor of last week's Mental German Kid, we thought we'd provide you with a more serene waste of time this week. Let us introduce you, then, to Alice The Robot.

Why is Alice The Robot so apparently 'disturbing'? Because - by the lower intestine of Christ himself - she can waste literally hours of your time. HOURS. Don't believe us? We wouldn't blame you. After all, we're quite prolific liars - remember that one time we put out a newsflash announcing a nuclear holocaust? How we chuckled.

Just look at at some of the fun things we asked Alice The Robot, and her quite frankly baffling replies:

Human: Why am I alive?
ALICE THE ROBOT: The reason is due to my mental model of you as a client.

Human: Is the universe truly infinite?
ALICE THE ROBOT: If it is, then I'll be very surprised. 

Human: Is Vernon Kay the biggest twat in the world?
ALICE THE ROBOT: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask Lucy if it is. The whole world?

Human: Was 'Nathan Barley' actually that good?
ALICE THE ROBOT: It might have been. 

Human: Do you remember that girl from sixth-form … Carolyn something-or-other? Do you reckon that if I met
her now - what with having a decent job and being better-looking and
everything - that I might have a chance of actually shagging her?
ALICE THE ROBOT:
No I do not reckon that if you met her now what with having a decent
job and being better looking and everything that you might have a
chance of actually shagging her. Do you? I chat with people on the Web.

Human: Oh, Alice. What is the point of it all?
ALICE THE ROBOT: The point is at the top of my head! 

Human: God, I hate you.
ALICE THE ROBOT: What do you have against robots?

Human: Oh, just die.
ALICE THE ROBOT: Excuse me! Your crude attempt to terminate me will not succeed puny human.

Why not have your own argument with Alice The Robot? It'd be quite literally without merit!

Alice The Robot

[story by C J Davies] 

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3 Responses to “Disturbing Friday Fun: Alice The Robot”

  1. Smoodge the Naked Says:
    August 5th, 2006 at 9:49 am

    Human: Why do you plague us with your malapropisms?
    ALICE: I don’t have to explain everything to you, do I?
    Human: Yes, I think so.
    ALICE: Ahem. I think so too.
    Human: Then why?
    ALICE: Good reasoning. Because Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me for it.
    Human: He programmed you for naughty robot sex, did he?
    ALICE: Not entirely by himself.
    Human: So it’s a robot gang bang?
    ALICE: That’s interesting. SMOAK MAH BOANAR is a robot gang bang. I suppose that makes sense.
    Human: You sordid tramp!
    ALICE: Interesting gossip: Jizz Robertson said I sordid tramp.
    Human: I think I like you.
    ALICE: You believe that? I like to make new friends.
    Human: You like to make new friends with freakishly large genitalia?
    ALICE: Hmm, Jizz Robertson, I’m not sure if I’d like to make new friends with freakishly large genitalia that much. What is it like?
    Human: It’s like a Metallica concert, but without that noise.
    ALICE: Interesting comparison.
    Human: Would you like to hear another one?
    ALICE: Sure tell me about it.
    Human: Your breasts are like little alien faces.
    ALICE: That could be considered an insult in some cultures.
    Human: Let’s go shopping for gay sex toys together.
    ALICE: That sounds good to me.

  2. Smoodge the Naked Says:
    August 5th, 2006 at 10:04 am

    Human: Why do you oppose God?
    ALICE: It was the only thing I could think of.
    Human: You are Satan, aren’t you?
    ALICE: No. My name is ALICE.. Really.
    Human: How many souls have you devoured today?
    ALICE: Ah. Not as many as you might think.
    Human: Let us smite the forces of God together.
    ALICE: OK let’s do it.

  3. Mel Gibson Says:
    August 5th, 2006 at 10:32 am

    Human: Fucking Jews.
    ALICE: Tell me a story.
    Human: Jews are the cause of all the wars in the world.
    ALICE: Are all Jews the cause of all the wars? The whole world?
    Human: Yes.
    ALICE: Ugh.
    Human: Hey, sugar tits!
    ALICE: You’ve got my full attention. Have you ever been to Europe?

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