Disturbia Still Tops Weekend Box Office, Weirdly

Shia LaBeouf became a star when Disturbia first reached the top of the weekend box office, then became the world's biggest star when Disturbia topped it two weeks on the trot, so what now?

Now Disturbia has topped the US weekend box office for three weeks solid, beating off movies that should have really left it for dust. By our reasoning this means that within two to three days, groups of wild-eyed South American pensioners are going to a) start crafting statues of Shia LaBeouf out of stone, and then b) start manically shrieking that their Shia LaBeouf statues have been crying milk. And if Disturbia tops the weekend box office again next week, that's when the shadowy scientists come round and weld Shia LaBeouf masks over your own faces…

By rights Disturbia shouldn't have been the number one movie at the weekend box office, even for a single week. It's a bald rip-off of an Alfred Hitchcock movie starring the annoying twerp from I, Robot that features so much awkward use of next-generation technology that it looks like one of those useless Orange adverts they show before movies at the cinema. But it's obviously a successful formula, and that's why hecklerspray is pleased to announce its new movie Vertigo! With Segways! starring that irritating big-toothed girl from the Narnia films. Here's the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Disturbia (Alternative ideas for that Segway joke included The Wrong Man! With Microsoft Zunes!, The Trouble With Harry! With USB Mug-Warmers and Dial M For Murder! With That Wi-Fi Rabbit Thing That's Supposed To Read You The News Or Something!) $9,100,000

2 - The Invisible (Pretty much like Casper The Friendly Ghost, only the kid in it isn't called Casper and doesn't seem especially friendly. And we're not technically sure if he's a ghost or not. But the 'The' part we're certain of. Mostly.) $7,606,000

3 - Next (Hooray! It's the Nicolas Cage who can see into the future! We like him so much more than the Nicolas Cage who can set his head on fire, the Nicolas Cage who obsesses over his teenage daughter's cameltoe or the Nicolas Cage who punches out old women while dressed as a bear. OK, we don't like him as much as that last one.) $7,200,000

4 - Fracture (Anyone else heard the radio advert for Fracture where Anthony Hopkins goes "You've got a 97% conviction rate, wooahAHoah!" so much that you now think going "wooahAHoah" is a perfectly good response for anything you're ever told ever? No, us neither.) $7,075,000

5 - Blades Of Glory (Anyone else seen Pearl The Landlord so much that you now think squealing "You pay now bitch!" like a two-year-old girl is a perfectly good response for anything you're ever told ever? Yeah, we figured as much.) $5,200,000

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Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo