The first Taken made 200 million dollars despite getting a lukewarm reaction from the critical community, which is exactly what you expect from an entertaining action movie. Action flicks aren’t usually made to be enjoyed by career critics or theater goers who only enjoy movies with tons of artistic merit instead of arterial blood spray.
I’m as pretentious as I am blood thirsty, so I enjoy ennui as much as explosions but can entirely acknowledge that Taken was 90 minutes of awesome even if it only had a few ounces of brains spread across that duration. This is a natural?occurrence.
Taken 2: Electric Boogaloo, however, somehow figured out a way to be almost indistinguishable from its predecessor, but without any of the interesting or engaging parts that made it such a sleeper hit. Even as tepid-to-vehement as the reaction has been to Taken 2, there are still plenty of other action movie follow ups that were way bigger duds. Most of these didn’t even make 200 million dollars even though they were poorly developed cash grabs. Taken 2 has that distinction all to itself.
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6PFEzkwgoU
Hey, did you know that there is exactly one movie that Steven Seagal starred in that was not only critically acclaimed, but actually nominated for Academy Awards – in sound and editing, but still, that totally counts. It was called Under Siege, and even in 1992 everybody was surprised that Seagal could star in something that wasn’t going straight in the dollar bin at Blockbuster. Then they made a second one.
I bet you can guess how well the second one turned out.
The Crow: City of Angels
I have to make a bit of a confession here. The dashing, witty, hipster gentleman that I’ve become today has gone through many changes. This definitely involves a stint in combat boots and Rubella Ballet t-shirts. So, surprise! I really like the original Crow. Then, for whatever reason, they decided it would be a great idea to take a story that couldn’t possibly been wrapped up any more thoroughly and make a follow up to it. While the people involved in this cinematic afterbirth aren’t entirely at fault – the director had originally wanted to make a vastly different movie that was then made unrecognizable by the studio’s edits ? it still stands that they made a Crow movie starring Vincent Perez doing a Tommy Wiseau impression.
Even Iggy Pop couldn’t save it, and he can save anything.
Highlander II: The Quickening
You know what is awesome? Immortal beings that can only die when they have their heads cut off by bad ass swords, with the final ca who can stay attached to the bottom of his head being granted a normal mortal life. You know what isn’t awesome? When they turn out to be a bunch of intergalactic aliens who have to save the Earth from global warming and capitalism. Highlander II was so nonsensical that it actually gives Zardoz a run for the coveted ?weirdest movie starring Sean Connery? award.
The Matrix: Reloaded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFJgZ8vkGc0
It is really hard to think of an analogy for just how disappointing The Matrix: Reloaded really was. After the original Matrix, with its fancy bullet time action and philosophical pining, became such a huge hit that it turned itself into sci-fi gospel, there was nary a creature on Earth that wasn’t anticipating the sequel. Instead, they got a movie that was all bullet time and no pining. People who enjoyed a smarter sci-fi take on the action genre were quite down on the new direction that relied almost entirely on special effects.
Wait a second, did George ?Muppet Voice? Lucas direct these too?
Speed 2: Cruise Control
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR0KgKJYoqY
The cr?me de la cr?me of completely terrible, unnecessary, never should have happened, total wastes of money is obviously and unequivocally Speed 2. The first one was a big hit that most people can agree was a very well done high concept action movie. Sadly for the Speed franchise, the sequel is so bad that, when horrible sequels are being planned, saying it is going to be ?(movie title) on a boat? is one of the top three derisions, along with ?Movie Title: Beyond Thunderdome? and ?Movie Title 2: Electric Boogaloo.?
If a work of entertainment is so terrible that it creates easy gags for lazy, snarky, and barely talented bloggers to use when they can’t think of anything more original, you know it has to be..
Ah, shit.